the battle belongs to the Lord

early spring i knew the Lord was getting my heart ready for a new season. at the time i had no idea what that season would bring. secretly i believed that it meant a new house, possibly another child, but most importantly an overwhelming sense of peace within our family. i would have never guessed that the season that God was preparing me for would be the toughest and darkest i would ever face. for the past 6 weeks or so we have been down in the trenches from sun up till sun down. it has been grueling, exhausting, dangerous, at times hopeless, and unending. prayer warriors, we are still in the midst of our battles. it's so much more that fighting the flesh, it is more spiritual than i know how to describe in words. we know the battle belongs to the Lord and he will gain the victory but we are crying out "how long oh Lord?" the bigger house, although a huge blessing, has brought only more room for satan to attempt to take over. the boys have not adjusted well to their new surroundings cause for them (and brian and i too) it's like starting over. we are all learning how to trust each other all over again. new schools have been difficult to work with. brian's student teaching has taken more time than we ever anticipated. steal, kill, and destroy seems to be the anthem that is being paraded over our house and we grasp for the refuge of our Abba Father. we know he is near. we know he has not forsaken us even though it feels so dark. i'm only writing this so you will know that there is more going on in the spiritual world around us than we can ever know. i see the war that goes on daily over the very soul of my little k. it's scary. i know that i have the power of God within me and i can crush satan so i don't understand what he is doing in my house. my house is supposed to be a safe haven where we can each be recharged and find rest under the wing of our Savior. today, brian lead our family in a prayer walk through our house once again claiming our battle ground for the Lord! we are leaning on the Lord to guide us through this darkness and into his everlasting light. we KNOW that the only reason satan is attempting to destroy our family is because he sees the plans that God has for us and he wants to take us out. be on the look out! if God prompts you to pray for my family please do. prayer is what is pushing us through. most days i am only functioning out of the grace of God. there is nothing left in me but there is so much more left in Him. as the book of lamentations (one of my favorite books in the bible) reminds me daily that God's love and mercy never runs out. great is His faithfulness! i have hope even when all hope is gone. my hope is built on nothing less that Jesus' blood and righteousness!

older child adoption || teenager

at the age of 27 i never would have dreamed that i would have a 13 year old son. i know my family was completely written by God because he allowed me to journal on the exact day that each of my kids were born. when my teenage son was born in a hospital in the southern US i was half way around the world at a boarding school in west africa, a freshman in high school, sitting in geography class with mr. nuss, talking with billy and john about how much i hated that class. that just sounds ridiculous. but it's our story and that makes it totally God!

being an instant mother to a teenager has come with more challenges than i could ever imagine. on one hand he is 13 in physical form but mentally, socially, and emotionally he is much younger. so it's hard to judge when he is having a teenage moment and just needs space or he is having a moment when he needs his mommy. both look the same but require different responses. being in tune with my teenager takes more work than reading my toddler. it also helps that my toddler has attached to me and has learned to trust me to some extent. my teenager and i had a really rough start. it really wasn't until a few months ago that he would finally talk directly to me or have nice things to say to me. there was a time when i assumed that we would never truly have a relationship and he would just live in my house till he graduated. thankfully, God had a different plan and we continue to bond more every day.

i've grieved a lot over my teenager and all that i have missed out in his life. he came to me thinking he knew who he was and didn't need anyone's help. i became (and still sometimes am) the victim of everything that has ever happened to him. but God's grace has been more than sufficient for us both. i've not always given my teenager the grace and mercy he deserves. some days i didn't want to even be in the same room with him. i couldn't stand his behavior and the way he treated me. this is where it is so important to have a loving relationship with your spouse. i think it is because of brian's amazing love for me and fighting for me every day that my boys are learning to love and respect me. i remember one of the first days this summer when we had a really intense moment, my teenager came to see if i was ok and to ask what he could do to help. that was a total 180 degrees from before. it blew my mind. i was so grateful.

adopting kids around those teenage years comes with a lot of baggage and "unteaching". they remember their birth parents and home and everything will always be compared to that. nothing will ever be "home" no matter how bad "home" was or how good the forever family is. only through God's grace and healing will that come. and for teenagers of sibling groups they probably spent most of their life being the "parent" to their siblings. that is a hard role to give up or see others try to fill. for several months after the boys came home i felt like our oldest thought i was an awful parent and did everything wrong. it takes time and lots of love to convey to them that they were doing the best they could and that it was safe to let us parent. they can jump into "survival" mode at a moments notice over the silliest thing. we have a phrase in our house called "in your animal brain". it's when you jump into survival mode and every word or action is based on a life or death situation (even though nothing really happened, no one is being hurt, and nothing is going to happen). it sounds silly but it's real life. they have to come out of that survival mode before any further action can take place, such as having a conversation or something as simple as breathing. some days it is still a big deal for him to be corrected or guided to do anything else. it's all very personal. he has done some things a certain way for so long that he can't imagine their being any other way. at times there is a meltdown and other times he rolls with it.

BUT with all the challenges there have been sweet SWEET moments. it's incredible to have a child who you get to really relate to. my teenager has the gift of service. he knows that is something God gave him and he has always had and that can never be taken away from him. we talk about it all the time. we talk about God's plans for his life and that satan will do everything he can every day to steal, kill, and destroy who God has made him to be. my teenager understands the importance of listening to the voice of Truth over the lies of satani love my teenager and can't imagine my life without him.

older child adoption intro

one of the most frequent questions i get asked is what it is like to adopt older children. i will make this a series of post to answer a few questions. every adoption is different and my story won't be your story. but i feel a need to speak on behalf of the older children that are so often forgotten or unwanted. let's be honest, the majority of families looking to adopt are looking for that perfect little baby that will make all their dreams come true. unknowingly i was this person before we started our adoption journey but God changed my heart before he told us the time was now. we face this alot when we first started walking the adoption journey. we were only one of 2 couples out of 15 couples that were not adopting due to infertility. i've talked to several couples that want that child that looks like them and will be everything they have ever dreamed of in a child. and that isn't bad. a child's being adopted into a loving family and that is amazing. but what if there is more? what if it is not about making all MY dreams come true? what if i put myself in a situation that requires more of me than i could give on my own?

we were on the infant adoption journey for over a year before we switched to foster-adoption. when we started thinking about adoption we felt God tugging on our heart that adoption wasn't about completing our family or making all our dreams come true. if we were truly following God's lead in our adoption journey then we would go wherever he lead us no matter the result. at that time he lead us to foster adoption. the question that kept running through my head was "why would we continue to wait on an infant waiting list with hundreds of other couples when there are over 100,000 kids in the foster care system just waiting to be adopted?" we were open to whatever God had for us. "multiply there [in the city], and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare” (Jeremiah 29:6-7). never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined him leading us to 4 amazing boys ages 2, 8, 9, and 12 at the time.

yes you can adopt older children through both international adoption and through the foster care system. i have experience with older children through the foster care system so that's what i'll write about. i've been that stereotypical person that assumed that older children in the foster care system meant they did something awful like stole something, went to jail, had a record of some sort, and failed miserably at school. wow, what a fool i was. most kids no matter the age enter the foster care system because of nothing that they did but because of their home situation. this doesn't make them "bad". but they do come broken just like we all do. people will often dismiss foster-adoption because of those kids that "might" be bad and it is too hard. well my question to them would be SO WHAT? does the "might" overpower the God that we serve? so what if they might be bad? so what if it might be hard and require more of you than you think you can give? if your own biological child did something wrong or "bad" would you toss them to the side? the Bible tells us over and over again that our obedience to Go is not based on the results or what other people will think or say of us. we don't adopt so a child will love us and be grateful that we "saved" them. why am i so often looking for life to be easy and comfortable. i'm going to believe God who says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13).

there are a lot of benefits to older child adoption: shorter wait, miss the baby stage and straight into sharing some of the same interests and kids that can already help around the house. however, bonding takes a lot of effort, it's a learn as you go process because every kid is different, they require more "un-teaching" before you can teach, and there can be a some catching up with educational stuff. going from 0 kids to having 3 in school was one of my biggest adjustments. it was hard to jump into a school system and do all the the stuff that is required with school age children (homework, teachers, field trips, fundraisers, sports, to name a few).

well that is it for this post. more to come soon. do not forget, that if you have questions you would like answered, send them my way. God bless!

growing where it counts

for some it might seem like we have "cacooned" our boys for way to long. we still don't go out much and they don't have a lot of friends they hang out with. at the beginning we felt it necessary to keep our kids close to home in hopes to build attachment. alot of adoptive families differ on the subject of cacooning. for our family this has proven to beneficial. although some days if seems like we haven't made any progress I know that we have.

our boys didn't call us mom and dad from the beginning. it hasn't been until just recent that our older boys have referred to us as mom dad. that's progress! i didn't realize how much not being called "mom" by my own kids effected me but when i finally started hearing it i realized how much it did. my attachment to them began to grow.

we still face behavior issues daily and some days it is extremely exhausting. often I myself asking God why things aren't more different. why hasn't more progress been made? He then gently reminds me that they are good kids but have a lot of bad habits that are going to take a while to heal and change. they have been severly broken and that healing takes time. there trust in me, as their mom, might take forever. He also reminds me that I am not loving them and parenting them to receive their love and affection in return.

each morning this summer we have a morning routine that consist of breakfast wt 8am followed by 30 min of quit time and practicing our memory verse for the week. this is a time where we encourage them to spend time praying or reading the word. if not doing one o this then reading quietly and respecting those who are choosing to spend time with God. it's easy for me to get frusrated when they don't choose to spend time with God. I can get all self-centered and think "when i was there age I understood what it meant to love Jesus why don't they." just the other day God spoke to me and reminded me that I was blessed to be born into a family that loved Jesus. I had a foundation in Him long before I ever fully understood what that meant. my boys didn't have that same foundation. God had different plans for them. but even still, they are in the word and they are memorizing scripture. even little K can tell you our 2 verses we've already memorized. that blows my mind. last Sunday at church one of the boy's teachers came and told me how much my kid had participated in a discussion they had. they were discussing the Holy Spirit and my child not only understood but was explaining it to others. I was blown away. so even though we may not be seeing huge steps in daily life God is growing them leaps and bounds spiritually. I'll take that kind of growth any day!

day 243 - it does get better

it's hard to believe my fantastic 4 have been in my home for 8 months. sometimes it seems like we've had them for years and other times it feels like they just arrived. we've walked through some crazy stuff but i'm thankful to say we have come out the other side of a lot of it. this blog has been very therapeutic for me as i look back on our journey and see what God has held our hand through. and that is the beauty of our story. God really has walked us through some serious battles. he has claimed the victory every time. sometimes those battles take hours, others days, and some even weeks. i'm sure there are some battles we will be fighting for years. but nonetheless, God will reign victorious.

for many months our battles where very physical. there have been days not so far in our past were our house was a dangerous place to be. but Christ has delivered us through that danger. at times i questioned whether all 4 of my boys could actually live together and thrive in their future. so thankful God had a plan and he guided (and still guides) us each day. through past posts you know that i've wanted to give up several times. once again God moved my heart and reminded me to keep my eyes on him. and we continue to walk through it day after day.

battles are still fought every day some are small and some rock our world. but it has gotten so much better. i know without a doubt our family will not only survive but we will thrive together.

day 226 - feelings vocabulary

our boys (and sometimes myself) like to use the same feeling words over and over again. so if you ask one of us what we are feeling we'll probably tell you sad, mad, happy, or good. it has become important to our family to expound on our feelings vocabulary. our boys didn't come knowing a lot of feeling words and it is up to us to teach them. by teaching them a larger vocabulary for the way they feel they might be able to understand what they are truly feeling instead of always being mad, sad, happy or just good. sometimes we sit around the table and will say "everyone give me a different word for good". it's fun to see the words they know and the words they know but have no idea that is what they mean. other applicable ideas that have been suggested is the "bucket of feelings". it's where you put all these feeling words into a bucket and every day you pull one out and talk about it.

tonight we incorporated a new game of feeling charades. we put all our feeling words into a hat and when it is your turn, draw a feeling. you must then act out the feeling with facial expressions or actions but NO WORDS! it actually went really well. the boys had fun, learned some new words and got to see what brian and i's face means when we have that "look". we only got through a few words but here are some examples: crushed, thrilled, unhappy, frustrated, absent-minded, and annoyed. if you are looking for a list of words just google "feeling words".

day 224

it's been forever since i've written and honestly it felt nice to take a little break. i haven't really been in a place to write anything positive lately so i felt i better not to write at all. but i am realizing that by not sharing i am giving the enemy a foothold to just stir with my emotions. and the scripture clearly tells us that that when things are brought to the light we can lay it all at the feet of Jesus and he will carry our burdens and give us wings like eagles.

i've been doing an amazing study on the book of Daniel for the past few months and it has been incredible. the miraculous things that happened, the divine wisdom that God poured on his servants, and the prophetic words have stirred my heart. at times it has made me angry because it is so much easier to see God working in other people than your own lives. i would so often sit there and read about all the miraculous things God did for Daniel and wonder why those things couldn't happen for me. i would read about the importance of fellowship and get frustrated because i felt so isolated. these are the lies of the enemy. he is turning what God means for goodness into his plan to take me out. and he doesn't want to just take me out but he wants to take out my family.

we are only a few weeks away from finalizing our adoption at satan has called in all his troops and they have set up camp in our living room. up until yesterday i didn't realize the war i was in. i really thought there was something wrong with me. i have been so easily aggravated by my kids, it feel like i can't do anything right or make anyone happy. i feel like every day is a "bad" day. and in my house if mom has a bad day all hell breaks loose. it's dangerous, destructive, and chaotic. so at times i feel like i can't have a bad day because no one can handle me not being on my game. but God continues to show me that i am not responsible for the way my children act most of the time and that i must continue to love them through the pain. i can't be perfect but i can fight for my kids and family.

unconditional love has taken on an entire new meaning over the past several months. it's not easy to love someone when they turn their back to you all day long, talk ugly to your face and behind your back, hit, kick, and whatever else you can thing of. to feel like you're fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for is exhausting. there are many times i want to just hide under by covers and let everyone fend for themselves. i probably take a time out for myself at least once a day. but i'm finding my encouragement in my Savior. just like he delivered Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego through the fire. i know he will deliver me and my family through this fiery season. even if our deliverance is into his hands. this battle is me advancing the kingdom. begging God to receive all the glory for what i know he will do through my family. it's going to be miraculous. it's going to add another "...but God" to the story of my life. it's going to be beautiful. moment by moment i'm holding on to that promise.

day 194 - gone crazy

another moment of transparency...

this past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. nothing really huge happened. it was just all the little things that started adding up and i let satan get the best to me. i listened to his lies and spent a lot of time in self-pity. honestly, it's pretty easy to do. i felt like i had been trying so hard to be the "perfect" parent that my head exploded. i spend most of my day keeping everyone in the house happy so we can live somewhat of a "normal" life. if i'm not on my game then it feels like the gates of hell open in my house. normal ugly becomes unbearably ugly. sometimes i don't like hearing people say that brian and i parent like we've been doing this for years. believe me, it's not on purpose. i showed myself this week that when i do it on my own everything is a mess. i wasn't nice to my kids or my husband. i drove myself crazy and it all ended up with me hurting my pinkie finger pretty bad. totally not worth the crazy.

after over 6 months of being a family of 6 one would think we would begin to see how God is knitting this family together. this week my blinders have made that very difficult to see. i found myself upset with God because i felt like brian and i had sacrificed everything to raise these boys and at that crazy moment in my crazy head it didn't feel worth it. now i know that sounds awful to say out loud but that is the lie satan was telling me. it is also still so very difficult to still have a struggling connection with all 4 boys. it's draining to love them so unconditionally with absolutely nothing in return. very wearing on a mother's heart. i know this is how God feels about me so much of the time. so very thankful he doesn't give up on me.

so what did i do with my craziness? i stayed in my closet, screamed, yelled, and fell on my face before the Lord. i wanted to get it all out. i told him every lie satan had planted in my head and i laid it all on the altar. i sobbed tears of sadness, relief, and desperation for my Jesus. God granted me the peace that surpasses all understanding. then i went and apologized to my family for being so crazy. i'm sure it will not be the last time i go crazy. thankfully my family knows who i am and love me still. and most thankfully i have a loving Heavenly Father who is in the business of rescuing us in the midst of our craziness.

day 159 - respite

my biggest challenge with 4 kids is finding some alone time. that sounds really funny coming out of my mouth because i really don't like to be alone or rest for that matter but i've learned without it i will burn out. and when i'm burnt out ain't no body happy :)

this summer i was able to find some alone time whether it was just grocery shopping or a night away. a few weeks ago a few friend and i headed off for an overnight trip somewhere special. it was extremely spontaneous and incredibly needed. i admit that i was actually thrilled to get out of my house for 24 hours. it was a total recharge for me and it only took 24 hours. crazy. and even before we started heading back i looked at one of my friends and said "wow, i really miss my family. i'm ready to go home!" it was amazing to have the feeling of missing my kids. no matter how chaotic and crazy every day is i miss them when i'm not with them. i came back totally ready for the challenges ahead.

getting away with friends is incredible but the most incredible get away was with my awesome husband. my birthday was a few weeks ago and he surprised me with an overnight getaway. he had arranged for my parents to come watch the kids overnight so we could spend some time away. it was the first time we had left the kids overnight with anyone. but my parents are more than capable and the boys ADORE their gigi and grandpa. so early afternoon brian and i headed to chattanooga for the night. we stayed in an incredible bed and breakfast (that i highly recommend) and just enjoyed each other's company. we didn't do anything special but breathe really. we needed some time just to look each other in the face and say "hey, i remember you!".

i love my family and i don't want to miss anything. but catching your breath every now and then is important. i'm learning that if i don't take care of myself i'm not going to be able to take care of my family. when people ask if they can help i'm finally saying "yes, here is our need." we were never meant to do this alone. rest is good. alone time is good. time with my husband is needed. so now that it is almost midnight i'm going to get some sleep.

day 153 - transparency

trans·par·ent - [adjective] open; frank; candid

this word lays heavy on my heart. it's so much easier to write about the amazing things and share all the goodness with you. but i feel that defeats the purpose of this blog. i want to be a resource for others who are looking to adopt or foster whether internationally or domestically. and in order to be a good resource i need to be as transparent as possible. my prayer is that my journey will be an encouragement to you as you walk your own journey.

the past 2 months have been the hardest months of my entire life and i've walked through some pretty crazy stuff before. i cried more, fought harder, pleaded more, and fell on my knees before my heavenly Father more times than i can count. i knew that we would go through some major transition throughout the summer seeing as the boys and i would be home together ALL day long EVERY day but i never would have expected everything that happened. let's just say that almost every day was...a nightmare. please don't let that scare you. this is hard and dangerous stuff. i learned early on in the summer that i was walking in enemy territory when it came to my kids. the devil had a grip on them like i've never seen. there were days that i felt like i was literally fighting satan fist for fist. some days seemed unbearable. there was more anger raging through my house than i new how to fight. the negativity that flew from my children's lips broke my heart every day. there were nights were brian and i sat outside there door begging God to invade our house and our boy's hearts. there were mornings when we woke up saying "i don't want to get out of bed today." it's hard when you have to hold your child so tight so they will not hurt themselves or someone else. it's heart breaking to hear ugly words come out of your toddlers mouth as he storms off to his room hitting everything in his path. i ache when my boys can't be left alone for more than 10 seconds for fear what might happen. it's exhausting. and that's why i need a Savior. if i could do this on my own then i wouldn't need God but i love that our story can't be told with out having God in every sentence.

i was met everyday with what seemed impossible and everyday God made it possible. by his mercy and grace brian and i were able to end everyday thanking God for our family. He met us everyday where we were and walked with us. i started the summer thinking i was doing all of this for my kids. but over the course of the summer God taught me that i am not loving and raising my kids to help them (that is just an added benefit) but out of reverence for God. He has put me in a place that is dangerous, chaotic, ugly, at times unlovely, and what the world would call "unthinkable" but we are here by God's design.

thankfully with school everyone is separated and there is a little more peace in our house. my note to self for next summer is have lots of things planned and give everyone there own "thing" to do throughout the summer. too much time together is NOT a good thing. but we did have some incredible highs over the summer. the best thing being I, J, and Z all asked Christ into their heart. we are now working on teaching them to call on Jesus when satan comes knocking on their doors. the summer was not a loss. it was a learning experience. another hurdle that satan thought he could put in our path to get us to change our minds. he does that. he will tell you that you aren't supposed to do this, this is to hard, the kids would be better off somewhere else, or even that you don't want to do this. THEY ARE LIES!!! God would not have asked you to walk into something so difficult and so of Him to leave you in your time of need. that is not the God we serve. we have authority over satan and the only way he can touch us is if we give him room to move in. DON'T!!!! stay strong. ask for help. let people help you. surrender it all to the Lord!

 

day 149 - first day of school

i've just dropped off my 6th grader, 5th grader, and 3rd grader at the first day of school. it was more exciting than anything else. everyone had their box of school supplies, backpacks, and lunchboxes. of course the 6th grader quickly sped off to his class so dad or i didn't have to walk him their. he was nervous about remembering his locker combination. our 5th grader didn't want anyone to embarrass him.

i walked our 3rd grader into his room. we chose a desk that was clustered with other friends. being the mom i made sure to get all his desk buddies names and introduced them to my kid. then i walked with Z to find a cubbie for his backpack and lunchbox. his classroom has an underwater theme that i thought was so creative. Z then gave me this look that said "mom, you're embarrassing me so can you please leave?" i took my cue and left. i met brian and little K and we walked proudly out of the school leaving our 3 older kids there to find their adventures for the day. it's our first day of school and i still have butterflies in my tummy.

day 136 - transition

one thing i have found about adoptive children is that they struggle deeply with transition. they hate it when plans change last minute or if plans spontaneously appear. i know in general kids struggle with this but adoptive kids extremely struggle with this. unfortunately i have learned this the hard way with our summer. i spent most of the summer "playing it by ear" and it didn't serve me well. now, we did make it through the summer but it wasn't without its fits and battles. i'm thankful that it is almost over. but i'm not a person who likes structure. i never get up at the same time or eat at the same time every day. i've spent most of my life trying NOT to get stuck into a routine but with 4 kids i'm finding that i will drown without one. i'm not saying every minute has to be planned but some structure is really good. i would probably loose about 50% of my questions throughout the day if i just had a list up of everything that was going on or needed to be done that day ahead of time. even something as simple as creating a weekly menu for the kids to see.

my kids don't understand when plans change. they hear one thing and anything after that doesn't matter. for example: if i said we have 1 hour to play at mcdonald's but you have to not scream, hit, or get in the way of other children. you must also listen and obey immediately or we will have to leave. well 10 min later all hell breaks loose and i'm telling my kids we got to go and they start pouting and throwing fits. in my mind i don't understand why they can be upset. but in their mind they heard we were going to be there for 1 hour and they think i lied to them.

transition is tough. and honestly it is starting to rub off on me too. i've got to go work on my calendar so i can put on our board what is coming tomorrow.

day 131 - the reason

today was the day that God reminded me why we have chosen to live a dangerously surrendered life. the reason we are called to go and make disciples. today i got to watch my amazing husband, the new father of the fantastic 4 and godly man baptize my 3 oldest boys. the boys had all asked Jesus in the hearts weeks before and were ready to make that public. they were so excited about being baptized and the celebration that surrounded it. we invited everyone we knew to come and watch, rejoice, and praise God for the work he continues to do.

it was a celebration i will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life. family came from all over to witness this public declare that our boys fight for the Living Savior! friends yelled and cheered as each boy came out of the water. i cried tears of joy watching my boys and knowing their lives were surrendered to the King of Kings. no matter what evil comes knocking at my door, our door, or their door we can call on Jesus and he will rescue. this is why we are doing this. God chose to rescue our fantastic 4 out of the dust and make them into warriors for himself. and he asked brian and i to be a part of it. why would we ever want to miss out on something like that? this is so much bigger than us. i'm so thankful that God goes to the extreme to save his children.

as the service concluded the song i sing over my boys every night began to play:

you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us

you make me new
you are making me new

day 120 - victories

over the past 2 weeks i have started several posts but end up deleting them because i couldn't think of anything positive to say. so i just decided to say nothing. but i know God has called us to community and i wouldn't be where i am right now without it. these past few weeks have been extremely rough. we have been at war with the enemy in every real sense of the word. yes, we have 4 kids in our house. but we are learning that we have 4 kids and then we have 4 traumatized kids on top of that. each one is so different and has to be handled in such a unique way. there is no formula, book, or plan on how to make any of this work. even the best therapists don't always have the answers. but i am more grateful right now that ever before that we can call on our Father who is MIGHTY TO SAVE! God's hands have been at work. at times it can seem like he isn't answering the prayer i am praying but he is answering it in a different way that is even more powerful that i could have ever imagined. i know many of you have been praying for my family these past few weeks. many of you have even shared with me that God has laid our family on your hearts. that is no accident. the past few days i have felt like Moses when he could no longer keep his arms up to win the battle and his friends had to stand on both sides of him to keep his arms up so the battle would be won. this is what community is about! don't miss it! it's as important as the air we breathe. God works through community.

God's timing is incredible. i still stand in awe at how God continues to build are community for such a time as this. i love that in those really hard battles i can send a text message to dozens of friends and know people are praying us through the battles. this past week one of my sweet friends sent me a message and told me to listen to a song called "invade" by watermark. let's just say i downloaded the song immediately and it has been on repeat in my house for the past 3 days! i tried to find it on youtube but couldn't so i'm just going to share with you the lyrics. pray this over your own house and please pray it over mine. God claimed the victory in my house today! and i know he will claim it again tomorrow!

Come, come in
Invade all You see of us
Any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here
And You're the only one

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out
With Your mercy...
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade...

Reach, reach in
With the hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of You
Bring Your spirit through
As we fill these walls with Your praise

I call for angels
I call for mercy
I call for freedom
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus

day 105 - not a band-aid

i stand in amazement every day that this is the journey God has called us on. i have seen the works of the devil and the works of my Almighty Merciful Savior each and every day. i'm experiencing his new mercies and grace every morning. i'm learning that i cannot get through a day without putting on the armor of God. i'm learning to persevere for the long-haul.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

there is nothing easy or grand about the road we are walking. honestly, some days i just want to stay in bed. the negativity around my house is often more than i can bare. some days i see great progress and the next day we are back to square one. some moments can be so sweet and then quickly turn to nightmares.

after a really rough past few days i was reminded by a friend yesterday that we are not in this to be just a band-aid on these boy's lives. i don't want immediate progress if it means suffering later. i want to run the race that is before me with joy and perseverance. i want God to change the hearts of my children not just their attitudes or words. and i have to remind myself, it's only been a few months. a few months compared to the rest of their lives is nothing.

i want to be like caleb in the Bible and ask God for my mountain. i want to have the courage he had to persevere and bring glory to the Lord most high. i don't want to be someone who "lacks anything". my prayer is turning into "Lord, give me more of this if it means more of You!"

day 100 - our favorite things

here is our top 100 things we love doing as a family:

1. serving our community as a family

2. going to church and worshiping as a family

3. swimming at the pool

4. playing the wii together

5. snuggling up to watch a great movie

6. great conversations around the dinner table

7. hearing all the little noises around the house bright and early in the morning

8. dance parties to some tobymac

9. eating great food together

10. discovering the zoo together

11. having help when it comes to folding the clothes

12. making new friends

13. playing with friends

14. help with clipping coupons

15. teaching each other how to swim (the boys)

16. jamming out to music in the car

17. mowing the lawn

18. cooking dinner

19. playing outside

20. finger painting

21. coming up with new art projects

22. going new places

23. making pb&j's with more pb that bread

24. eating granola bars like they are going out of style

25. drinking chocolate milk

26. skyping with family across the globe

27. spending time reading as a family

28. family devotions

29. answering questions the boys have about God and the Bible

30. playing mario brothers and getting smashed by my kids

31. visit family

32. going to krispy kreme

33. playing games on the ipod

34. folding loads and loads of laundry :)

35. playing board games

36. earning marbles for good behavior

37. spending our money on special things

38. teaching my kids to be good stewards of their money

39. eat reese's and vanilla ice cream

40. making homemade smoothies and milkshakes

41. eating at chick-fil-a and moes!

42. playing wii resort especially the jet skiing

43. taking pictures of all these smiling faces

44. watching "so you think you can dance"

45. making comments about all the great dancers on SYTYCD

46. attempting to dance as good as the dancers on SYTYCD

47. being robots

48. reading our Bibles together

49. bedtime routines

50. family nights playing wii or board games

51. celebrating birthdays as a family

52. talking with grandparents on the phone

53. being the first one to answer the phone when dad calls

54. playing monopoly

55. spending the night with grandparents

56. helping each other

57. cleaning the house as a team

58. watching our favorite movie "meet the robinsons"

59. having conversations about how great our new family is

60. walking jackson

61. giving jackson a bath

62. deciding who stinks the worst: jackson or the boys

63. trying to make the house not smell like BOYS

64. watching the boys play sports

65. being the loudest and biggest cheering section at the football games

66. speaking truth over our family

67. claiming the promises God has for us

68. sharing God with my kids

69. having them turn their hearts to God

70. knowing 2 of my kids are fighting for God's side now!

71. learning how to fight Satan in a new and real way

72. the reality of the spiritual battles for our kid's souls

73. seeing God receive the victory over every battle

74. cooking for a large family

75. going shopping at walmart

76. making a big breakfast

77. watching the "swagger wagon" youtube video

78. going to happy hour at sonic

79. driving around look at possible and dream houses

80. going to the recycle bin and emptying everything in 1 min

81. trying to locate all our "G" rated movies

82. paying way too much to do anything

83. singing to "disney sing it" on the wii

84. singing every word to every song of taylor swift

85. listening to the boys sing all the songs to high school musical

86. bear hugs at least 100 times a day

87. hearing "secret mama?" then getting a big "I LOVE YOU"

88. watching the world cup

89. teaching the boys to play piano

90. hearing "mama's here" when i come out to breakfast

91. teaching new songs

92. hearing "will you sing to us" every night

93. finding new and fun things to do

94. discovering the world through new eyes

95. knowing this is the rest of our lives

96. watching the boys play with each other

97. hearing the boys ask "can we pray for..."

98. enjoying just sitting next to each other

99. holding hands why we pray

100. hearing "I LOVE YOU" being yelled down the hall

day 28 - a word from God

i love tuesday mornings, especially this tuesday morning. i finally got to go back to women's bible study at my awesome church. so with a toddler in hand we made our way to his classroom where he went in like a champ and i headed down the hall to bible study. and just like every other time i have been to the women's bible study God totally meets me right where i'm at. he uses whoever is speaking to speak directly to my heart. today a sweet friend of mine taught on "the wonder of our wounds". what a topic for this moment in my life when i feel so surrounded by brokenness. in the past week or so i have found myself questioning how their could be so much brokenness in anyone or how God could allow such wounds. why did he let it happen? and all the other whys. i want to get so defense. you see my family is struck by some wounds that are soul deep. the kind of wounds that strike us to our core and can alter who we are. the kind of wounds no one wants to share or talk about. the kind of wounds that would make you turn your head. but as my friend so eloquently put it this morning...the kind of wounds that God sees with awe and beauty.

God knows are pain and brokenness. it doesn't catch him by surprise or ruin his plans. one of my favorite verses these days is:

"But this happened so that the work God might be displayed in his life" John 9:3

God is using our very wounds to bring about his purpose for us. we live in a broken world and bad things happen. bad choices are made and we have to seek God for healing. i'm a firm believer that we serve a God who LOVES to heal! all throughout Christ's ministry he healed people. it was one of his favorite things to do. why should i not believe he can do the same for me and my family?

i love the phrase my friend shared this morning "your wounds attract God's glory"! God restores our soul. He can heal those deep dark wounds that have altered who we are. He can heal us and make us new.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Psalm 23

strength in the moment

we have had many sweet moments with the boys since they have been home. they have adjusted far better that i ever could have hoped. i feel so blessed to be on this journey. but the road is not easy. just like any adventure God calls us on there are challenges that we face. moments that God puts in our path to give us an opportunity to call on him. opportunities for us to live out our faith in front of those around us and in front of ourselves. those moments when everything we have known seems mean nothings BUT God! he prevails. he is there. he strengthens. he gives grace. he moves.

"even when the way goes through death valley, i'm not afraid when you walk at my side. your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure"

pslam 23:4

"I, your God, have a firm grip on you and i'm not letting go. i'm telling you 'don't panic. i'm right here to help you.'"

isaiah 41:13

introducing the bailey bunch

the bailey bunch is finally all under one roof. there are 4 extra hearts to love, mouths to feed, bodies to hug, goodnights to say, and hands to hold. i LOVE it! we are all adjusting but i can't imagine my life any different at this moment. besides trying to stay on top of the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, homework, and a toddler who is already climbing out of his crib; i am fully enjoying the sweet prayers that are said around the dinner table, hearing them ask who is in their new family, listening to them tell me about their first day of school and the friends they met, and tucking them in each night.

J is my oldest in 5th grade. he is smart, kind, gentle, handsome, huge smile, eager to learn, has a desire to know the Lord, and growing into a young man. he loves to read, skateboard, hang out with friends, play football, and play chess with his brothers. he also enjoys his favorite snack beef jerky and is a little shy towards new foods. we are already seeing God begin to tug on his heart as he asks questions and seeks to know more about the Word of God.

T is our 4th grader. he is our passionate child falling at either one end of the spectrum or the other. there is no middle ground. he is also very smart, can be shy, very protective, also handsome, extremely funny, and can steal your heart in an instant he is enjoys basketball, the wii, beating everyone at any game we play, reading wimpy kids, riding his bike, playing outside with his brothers, and sleeping. his favorite snack is also beef jerky but this dude eats everything you put in front of him. he likes all the healthy stuff along with the sugar. he always makes me feel great about my cooking. i even cooked an african dish for them the other night and he couldn't get enough of it. he also already has a spot in his heart for his new grandparents. i can't wait to dig into his little heart some more and find who God has created him to be and help T build on his passions. i know God has an incredible plan for his future.

D is our 2nd grader and will be your instant best friend. he is goofy, fun-loving, easy going, always says "please" and "thank you", would vacuum the entire house if i let him, enjoys riding his scooter and bike, playing outside with his brothers, and playing every board game in the house. he loves his chili fritos but he is also an excellent eater. D, like T, would eat us out of house and home if we let them. he also loves to read and we are enjoying reading aloud together. he has already made several friends at school and even got to go on a field trip on his first day. he has a huge heart and wants to encourage. God is opening his eyes to new things every day and we are anxious to pour into D and help him to know the Lord in his own way.

our little I is going to be our little heart breaker. he is 2 and that is 2 with all sense of being 2. he started climbing out of his crib on his 3rd night home. and he is also pulling off his diaper. oh boy, so not ready for all that right now. little I loves to play hard, play with his older brothers, sing at the top of his lungs, find anything that makes noise, drink apple juice, eat yogurt, put everything in his mouth, and he is already becoming jackson's best friend. i am loving having him home all day while the older 3 are in school. i'm praying that God will use me as a vessel to teach little I and that God will mold him into a little warrior.

this is my new family. i love going to sleep at nigh knowing my family is safe and sound. i love waking up in the morning hearing them already up and playing in their rooms. i the big bear hugs that come before bedtime. i love being a mom. and this is the new and improved bailey bunch...at least in words.

why i blog

there are many reasons to blog. some blog to let off steam. others blog to have some communication with the outside world. some blog to have a record of their current life. some blog to be resources. well i blog for all those reasons. blogging is like journaling to me. it allows me to pour out all that stuff that is just sitting in my head or heart. because i don't have a job and my office is my home blogging allows me to have that connection to the outside world. and i love the thought that i get to have a record of this entire journey God has brought us on. but the biggest reason that i blog is i want to be a resource.

the blogger world has been invaluable to me throughout this adoption process. you will see several links on the side of our blog of other adoption blogs that have given us so much hope and encouragement. i love that there are so many people out there sharing their journey. you can almost always find someone who has been through or is going through exactly what you are. that is huge! however, most of the blogs we follow are international adoption and a few domestic adoption.

when we began the foster/adoption process we found it a little more difficult to find resources on that process. a lot of it is because you have to be so careful about what you say as a foster parent. well i'm learning that you can still keep a lot of things private while still being a resources. so i am praying that God will use my blog to be a resource for others that are thinking about or are going through the foster/adoption process. it's a very different world with a lot of different struggles and emotions. we all need to lean on each other. it's all about asking for help! you need a community to walk through this.

i'm here to answer whatever questions i can and provide any insight to what God is walking us through. even though we have been walking this road for over a year and half our journey is just beginning. there is so much more to come!