Just Love

is that a statement? command? question? suggestion? what exactly is "just love"?

2 weeks ago our pastor started a new series titled "just love". to be honest with you i wasn't so sure that i was going to enjoy the series or whatever. most "love" messages i've heard have been all about God loves us and we should love him and just how simple it all is and basically if you can't do that you are screwed up.

in Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus talks about the 2 greatest commandments being to love God with all you have all the time and love all people the same way. not just a friendship love but the agape committed and devoted love. sounds so simple. in fact it sounds so simple that it i feel that it is just cruel. if it's that simple why can't i contain that kind of love for God or anyone? why is the love i try to share each day not enough. if it is the greatest commandment then why is love failing me every day. i searched God strongly with my questions. i read 1 Corinthians 13 about how love is patient, kind, not self-seeking or easily angered, protects, hopes and perseveres. i can't seem to find that kind of love inside myself. my love is selfish, envious, easily angered, gives up, and fails tremendously on a daily basis. i don't understand. in a world where we are told daily "love is enough" i battle daily in my own home where love ISN'T enough. well at least, my fleshly love isn't enough. and this is where God changed my perspective.

my love will never and can never be enough. i'm human, not God. it's HIS love that is patient, kind, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of my wrongs, protects, hopes, and perseveres. it is his love THROUGH me that loves others. it's when i am empty of my own imperfect love that his love pours in and his love IS ENOUGH! that's the love that can see into hearts and love well.

so whether it is JUST LOVE! that is shouted from the mountains. or just love? that is the questions that always brings you to your knees before Abba Father. or even just love. a simple statement that is a daily reminder of Matthew 22. they all say the same thing JUST LOVE. it's the same as JUST GOD. he is all we need. he is the great I AM. he is everything. 

the battle belongs to the Lord

early spring i knew the Lord was getting my heart ready for a new season. at the time i had no idea what that season would bring. secretly i believed that it meant a new house, possibly another child, but most importantly an overwhelming sense of peace within our family. i would have never guessed that the season that God was preparing me for would be the toughest and darkest i would ever face. for the past 6 weeks or so we have been down in the trenches from sun up till sun down. it has been grueling, exhausting, dangerous, at times hopeless, and unending. prayer warriors, we are still in the midst of our battles. it's so much more that fighting the flesh, it is more spiritual than i know how to describe in words. we know the battle belongs to the Lord and he will gain the victory but we are crying out "how long oh Lord?" the bigger house, although a huge blessing, has brought only more room for satan to attempt to take over. the boys have not adjusted well to their new surroundings cause for them (and brian and i too) it's like starting over. we are all learning how to trust each other all over again. new schools have been difficult to work with. brian's student teaching has taken more time than we ever anticipated. steal, kill, and destroy seems to be the anthem that is being paraded over our house and we grasp for the refuge of our Abba Father. we know he is near. we know he has not forsaken us even though it feels so dark. i'm only writing this so you will know that there is more going on in the spiritual world around us than we can ever know. i see the war that goes on daily over the very soul of my little k. it's scary. i know that i have the power of God within me and i can crush satan so i don't understand what he is doing in my house. my house is supposed to be a safe haven where we can each be recharged and find rest under the wing of our Savior. today, brian lead our family in a prayer walk through our house once again claiming our battle ground for the Lord! we are leaning on the Lord to guide us through this darkness and into his everlasting light. we KNOW that the only reason satan is attempting to destroy our family is because he sees the plans that God has for us and he wants to take us out. be on the look out! if God prompts you to pray for my family please do. prayer is what is pushing us through. most days i am only functioning out of the grace of God. there is nothing left in me but there is so much more left in Him. as the book of lamentations (one of my favorite books in the bible) reminds me daily that God's love and mercy never runs out. great is His faithfulness! i have hope even when all hope is gone. my hope is built on nothing less that Jesus' blood and righteousness!

A Hymn "He giveth more grace"

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

my dance partner

i'd like to take a moment to tell you how incredible my husband is. each day he loves our family more and he sinks deeper into the Father's grip! last week he started his student teaching experience. he will be spending the next 7 weeks observing and teaching in an 8th grade science classroom. i couldn't be more proud of him for following his dreams and stepping out in faith to what God laid on his heart. he is an wonderful example to me and our kids. he proves to us daily that following Christ is not easy but oh so sweet and good. my heart is happy knowing that Brian is doing something he can put his heart into. he's totally in his element with a group of kids around (remember that's when i fell in love with him 6 years ago). God has taken him down many different roads but they all were to lead him to the hear and now. i love him with all my heart and although this current season will come with it's chaos and trials we will rest in the peace of our Heavenly Father. a song that means so much to both of us is the Andrew Peterson song "Dancing in the Minefields". it's the song i currently wake up to every morning and the last line stays with me all day "so in the face of all this chaos, baby, i can dance with you." no matter what the day brings or when i do loose my way i know God has brought an amazing dance partner into my life to remind me and stand with me. brian has laid his life down for me a many of times and my prayer is that we remember that God promises us that when we loose our life for another is when we find what life is all about and that is loving Jesus. marriage is as close as we get to understanding what that relationship with Christ will one day be like in all it's perfectness in heaven.

colossians 1:118-20

"He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross."

Colossians 1:18-20

peace isn't a feeling that comes when you are in a calm season of life or when everything is going good. peace doesn't come and go. peace can not be bought at the grocery store. there isn't a coupon for it. and it for sure doesn't come from other people. peace can only come from the Creator who IS peace! it isn't a feeling but an unchangeable condition. it is permanent forgiveness.

often i have searched for peace in my circumstances, friends, family, and many others but only God's peace lasts. i can easily begin to worry and keep my worries on the forefront of my mind. it's hard for me to rest in the presence of my Savior when my life feels like chaos. but no matter where i am Christ calls to me and pursues me. He offers me peace in his presence. it's mine for the taking so why don't i choose it? when i stay in my insecurities and worries i have excuses for things and it gives sin a place to hide. but God's peace is the permanent forgiveness and that comes every moment of every day no matter what. some days i yell at myself "reach for it, audra, peace is right there for you! you were made for victory, not defeat!" i'm asking the Lord to teach me to enjoy his peace more continually. to seek his presence and therefore will also seek his peace. peace is going to rest in my house today because i claim it!

school update

school starts tomorrow and i'm just as overwhelmed and nervous as i was last year. i thought for sure i would get better my second time around but sadly (and today frustratingly) i am not. everything seems to be happening at the last minute. getting shot records is becoming impossible and taking all 4 kids with me to do all this stuff is like pulling teeth. however, all 3 older kids will be starting school tomorrow. my middle schoolers will hop on the bus at 7am and my 4th grader will walk to school with k and myself. the boys are excited and ready and that is the most important thing. praying bold prayers over the school year. believing God for big things for my kids, their teachers, and their relationships at school.

older child adoption || school

when adopting older children (especially when you either have zero kid or only younger kids) school is a huge adjustment. we all of a sudden had 3 kids in school the last 9 weeks of a school year. i had NO IDEA what was going on. that was a complete blur to me. and in just a few short months my oldest began middle school. i was faced with geometry, ridiculous vocabulary, and all this other school that i DID NOT remember! homework was a nightmare. my kids already felt like they failed for 7 hours at school that they hated to come home and work on homework for another 4 hours and fail at that. and yes, homework at one point was taking us 4 hours, even just a simple front and back worksheet. it was a nightmare. lots of meetings were held at the school with teachers, guidance counselors, and anyone else that could be involved. i am extremely thankful for public school because they are obligated to provide every resource your child will need. there was a point we just didn't do homework because it wasn't worth the fighting. but i think about half way through the school year i finally got the rhythm down. it was and is still a huge adjustment.

last year we were blessed because some friends and family purchased all our school supplies. this year i've been stocking up over the school year for most of the stuff we need. but we were still met with some obscure things on our middle schoolers (yes, i have 2 in middle school this year) like flash drives, scientific calculators, and office supplies for the teacher. it was extremely overwhelming last summer to look at those school supply lists and see everything that my kids needed. i can't even imagine buying school supplies for more than 3 at the moment. but God is good and provided and still provides everything we need. he has also supplied me with the patience needed to guide the boys through school. some things we've learned the hard way. i learned that i do not help my oldest out with homework. it's just not good for our relationship so brian works with him. and of course, brian is the most patient and amazing dad and husband you could ask for. plus he has the gift of teaching and more importantly he understands middle schoolers (may the Lord bless him abundantly for that!).

many people ask if i would consider homeschooling my kids. and of course i would say yes to whatever God asked me to do but currently we believe it is in every one's best interest that our boys attend public school. they love school and thrive on the structure and social environment that school provides. it is also good for them to have the separation from both me and each other (i also need that time away from them). it helps us enjoy the time we do spend together. we make it a point to sit down every night as a family for dinner and talk about our day. it is great bonding time for us. now again, this is what works for my family. it might not work next year or for our other kids or even your kids, but we just take it day by day.