no expectations...are you kidding me?

as a parent you say to yourself "i'm going to love my child no matter what? they could never do anything that would make me look at me different." as an adoptive parent we are told not to have any expectations of our kids. most of them come from hard places and it would be challenging for any of them to reach our expectations. at the beginning b and i had no idea what we were doing. we didn't have any expectations because we wouldn't have even known what expectations to have. we had been working towards adopting for a few years so we were filled with the extra grace and patience it would take to parent these kids from hard places. we felt very prepared at the beginning. we took the PATH classes, read all the books, sought counsel from everyone we knew. we just loved on our kids. it was challenging but God really moved through us. it was His grace that poured out of us.

now we are almost 3 years into being a family and those expectations that we for so long said we didn't have...yeah, we have them now. we are trying so hard not to because we know that 3 years is still only a drop in the bucket. but honestly, the expectations have crept in. we long to be able to plan more than 2 days ahead. we wish we could plan a fun family outing and know that it will be wonderful. i even have expectations of myself. surely i should be more organized by now. shouldn't my house be in much better shape than it is? we should be so much further along than we are. but...are expectations i'm finding are unrealistic. i don't know at what point i assumed that it was time for my kids or my life to meet my expectations but it happened. and with those expectations come a deep disappointment when they aren't me. and now we have these expectations but our grace and patience are on empty to fight the same battles. when preparing for adoption and parenting these kids from hard places we plan for the immediate. we don't plan for the long-term. no one says that 5 or even 10 years later it will still be the same. the further along i get in this journey i am realizing that it is not about my expectations even though i have them. it's about my obedience to what God has asked me to do. and each day is different. God is asking me to walk new roads every day. ones i never though would ever be my life, both for the good and the struggle.

on the complete flip side of my expectations being unmet God is surpassing so many expectations that i never even knew existed. he has given me a peace to walk through doors i don't understand. he has met us each step of the way. and on somedays the moments with my kids are so sweet i can hardly stand it. k has started giving me the biggest bear hugs before he walks into school. my 7th grader has started to sit close to me and let me put my arm around him while we listen to the preacher at church on sundays. my oldest is talking to me about girls (that's an entirely different post). and my husband gets to be home a week for thanksgiving and 2 weeks for christmas. wow! it is all about perspective. so yes i have expectations of my kids and my life. and yes most of those expectations are not met. but God is good and he supersedes my expectations even when i fail to live up to all he desires from me. grace can only come from the one who gives it, Almighty God. i'm working on changing my expectations to have kingdom purpose. for it is all about Him anyways!

older child adoption || school

when adopting older children (especially when you either have zero kid or only younger kids) school is a huge adjustment. we all of a sudden had 3 kids in school the last 9 weeks of a school year. i had NO IDEA what was going on. that was a complete blur to me. and in just a few short months my oldest began middle school. i was faced with geometry, ridiculous vocabulary, and all this other school that i DID NOT remember! homework was a nightmare. my kids already felt like they failed for 7 hours at school that they hated to come home and work on homework for another 4 hours and fail at that. and yes, homework at one point was taking us 4 hours, even just a simple front and back worksheet. it was a nightmare. lots of meetings were held at the school with teachers, guidance counselors, and anyone else that could be involved. i am extremely thankful for public school because they are obligated to provide every resource your child will need. there was a point we just didn't do homework because it wasn't worth the fighting. but i think about half way through the school year i finally got the rhythm down. it was and is still a huge adjustment.

last year we were blessed because some friends and family purchased all our school supplies. this year i've been stocking up over the school year for most of the stuff we need. but we were still met with some obscure things on our middle schoolers (yes, i have 2 in middle school this year) like flash drives, scientific calculators, and office supplies for the teacher. it was extremely overwhelming last summer to look at those school supply lists and see everything that my kids needed. i can't even imagine buying school supplies for more than 3 at the moment. but God is good and provided and still provides everything we need. he has also supplied me with the patience needed to guide the boys through school. some things we've learned the hard way. i learned that i do not help my oldest out with homework. it's just not good for our relationship so brian works with him. and of course, brian is the most patient and amazing dad and husband you could ask for. plus he has the gift of teaching and more importantly he understands middle schoolers (may the Lord bless him abundantly for that!).

many people ask if i would consider homeschooling my kids. and of course i would say yes to whatever God asked me to do but currently we believe it is in every one's best interest that our boys attend public school. they love school and thrive on the structure and social environment that school provides. it is also good for them to have the separation from both me and each other (i also need that time away from them). it helps us enjoy the time we do spend together. we make it a point to sit down every night as a family for dinner and talk about our day. it is great bonding time for us. now again, this is what works for my family. it might not work next year or for our other kids or even your kids, but we just take it day by day.

older child adoption || teenager

at the age of 27 i never would have dreamed that i would have a 13 year old son. i know my family was completely written by God because he allowed me to journal on the exact day that each of my kids were born. when my teenage son was born in a hospital in the southern US i was half way around the world at a boarding school in west africa, a freshman in high school, sitting in geography class with mr. nuss, talking with billy and john about how much i hated that class. that just sounds ridiculous. but it's our story and that makes it totally God!

being an instant mother to a teenager has come with more challenges than i could ever imagine. on one hand he is 13 in physical form but mentally, socially, and emotionally he is much younger. so it's hard to judge when he is having a teenage moment and just needs space or he is having a moment when he needs his mommy. both look the same but require different responses. being in tune with my teenager takes more work than reading my toddler. it also helps that my toddler has attached to me and has learned to trust me to some extent. my teenager and i had a really rough start. it really wasn't until a few months ago that he would finally talk directly to me or have nice things to say to me. there was a time when i assumed that we would never truly have a relationship and he would just live in my house till he graduated. thankfully, God had a different plan and we continue to bond more every day.

i've grieved a lot over my teenager and all that i have missed out in his life. he came to me thinking he knew who he was and didn't need anyone's help. i became (and still sometimes am) the victim of everything that has ever happened to him. but God's grace has been more than sufficient for us both. i've not always given my teenager the grace and mercy he deserves. some days i didn't want to even be in the same room with him. i couldn't stand his behavior and the way he treated me. this is where it is so important to have a loving relationship with your spouse. i think it is because of brian's amazing love for me and fighting for me every day that my boys are learning to love and respect me. i remember one of the first days this summer when we had a really intense moment, my teenager came to see if i was ok and to ask what he could do to help. that was a total 180 degrees from before. it blew my mind. i was so grateful.

adopting kids around those teenage years comes with a lot of baggage and "unteaching". they remember their birth parents and home and everything will always be compared to that. nothing will ever be "home" no matter how bad "home" was or how good the forever family is. only through God's grace and healing will that come. and for teenagers of sibling groups they probably spent most of their life being the "parent" to their siblings. that is a hard role to give up or see others try to fill. for several months after the boys came home i felt like our oldest thought i was an awful parent and did everything wrong. it takes time and lots of love to convey to them that they were doing the best they could and that it was safe to let us parent. they can jump into "survival" mode at a moments notice over the silliest thing. we have a phrase in our house called "in your animal brain". it's when you jump into survival mode and every word or action is based on a life or death situation (even though nothing really happened, no one is being hurt, and nothing is going to happen). it sounds silly but it's real life. they have to come out of that survival mode before any further action can take place, such as having a conversation or something as simple as breathing. some days it is still a big deal for him to be corrected or guided to do anything else. it's all very personal. he has done some things a certain way for so long that he can't imagine their being any other way. at times there is a meltdown and other times he rolls with it.

BUT with all the challenges there have been sweet SWEET moments. it's incredible to have a child who you get to really relate to. my teenager has the gift of service. he knows that is something God gave him and he has always had and that can never be taken away from him. we talk about it all the time. we talk about God's plans for his life and that satan will do everything he can every day to steal, kill, and destroy who God has made him to be. my teenager understands the importance of listening to the voice of Truth over the lies of satani love my teenager and can't imagine my life without him.

older child adoption intro

one of the most frequent questions i get asked is what it is like to adopt older children. i will make this a series of post to answer a few questions. every adoption is different and my story won't be your story. but i feel a need to speak on behalf of the older children that are so often forgotten or unwanted. let's be honest, the majority of families looking to adopt are looking for that perfect little baby that will make all their dreams come true. unknowingly i was this person before we started our adoption journey but God changed my heart before he told us the time was now. we face this alot when we first started walking the adoption journey. we were only one of 2 couples out of 15 couples that were not adopting due to infertility. i've talked to several couples that want that child that looks like them and will be everything they have ever dreamed of in a child. and that isn't bad. a child's being adopted into a loving family and that is amazing. but what if there is more? what if it is not about making all MY dreams come true? what if i put myself in a situation that requires more of me than i could give on my own?

we were on the infant adoption journey for over a year before we switched to foster-adoption. when we started thinking about adoption we felt God tugging on our heart that adoption wasn't about completing our family or making all our dreams come true. if we were truly following God's lead in our adoption journey then we would go wherever he lead us no matter the result. at that time he lead us to foster adoption. the question that kept running through my head was "why would we continue to wait on an infant waiting list with hundreds of other couples when there are over 100,000 kids in the foster care system just waiting to be adopted?" we were open to whatever God had for us. "multiply there [in the city], and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare” (Jeremiah 29:6-7). never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined him leading us to 4 amazing boys ages 2, 8, 9, and 12 at the time.

yes you can adopt older children through both international adoption and through the foster care system. i have experience with older children through the foster care system so that's what i'll write about. i've been that stereotypical person that assumed that older children in the foster care system meant they did something awful like stole something, went to jail, had a record of some sort, and failed miserably at school. wow, what a fool i was. most kids no matter the age enter the foster care system because of nothing that they did but because of their home situation. this doesn't make them "bad". but they do come broken just like we all do. people will often dismiss foster-adoption because of those kids that "might" be bad and it is too hard. well my question to them would be SO WHAT? does the "might" overpower the God that we serve? so what if they might be bad? so what if it might be hard and require more of you than you think you can give? if your own biological child did something wrong or "bad" would you toss them to the side? the Bible tells us over and over again that our obedience to Go is not based on the results or what other people will think or say of us. we don't adopt so a child will love us and be grateful that we "saved" them. why am i so often looking for life to be easy and comfortable. i'm going to believe God who says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13).

there are a lot of benefits to older child adoption: shorter wait, miss the baby stage and straight into sharing some of the same interests and kids that can already help around the house. however, bonding takes a lot of effort, it's a learn as you go process because every kid is different, they require more "un-teaching" before you can teach, and there can be a some catching up with educational stuff. going from 0 kids to having 3 in school was one of my biggest adjustments. it was hard to jump into a school system and do all the the stuff that is required with school age children (homework, teachers, field trips, fundraisers, sports, to name a few).

well that is it for this post. more to come soon. do not forget, that if you have questions you would like answered, send them my way. God bless!