theraputic

as a mom with 4 kids adopted from hard places i have set through thousands of hours of doctors and therapy appointments. some days i think i should have a doctorate already in counseling. other days i feel like i need my own therapy for all the therapy i attend and all that i talk about over and over and over and over and over again...get the picture. lately with everything that has been going on with our family i have been asked about 50 times what i do to relieve stress. honestly, i don't really have a good answer. i can answer all the text book answers: deep breathing, go to my happy place, count to 10, a "time out". but let's get real, in the moment none of those things work. lately coffee has been my biggest stress reliever. that and sitting by the warm fire. i didn't start drinking coffee till i became a mom. ha!

over the past several months one of my favorite things to do has become working out, more specifically lifting weights. there is just something very liberating about working your way up to lifting half your body weight, or being able to do 1000 reps in under 30 min. i try to go to the gym at least 3x a week but with everything going on lately it's been more like 1x a week. i so very miss it. never thought i would be that person that "misses" the gym. for me, the gym is my therapist. with every lift of that ridiculous bar that i know will only bring me pain tomorrow feels so great. i feel like i'm currently in the best shape of my life. it's the one thing i feel like i get to do for me that no one can interfere with. i love that my gym has free childcare and k loves to go with me in the mornings. the past week i've been working too hard and oh how a massage sounds so great right about now. i think that could be therapeutic too. 

here are a few other stress relievers i have come to use:

a good haircut

christmas music

watching FRIENDS

crafting (i craft at inappropriate times when my house is chaotic)

washing dishes

playing the piano

coffee date with girlfriends

a good movie date with my incredible hubby

no expectations...are you kidding me?

as a parent you say to yourself "i'm going to love my child no matter what? they could never do anything that would make me look at me different." as an adoptive parent we are told not to have any expectations of our kids. most of them come from hard places and it would be challenging for any of them to reach our expectations. at the beginning b and i had no idea what we were doing. we didn't have any expectations because we wouldn't have even known what expectations to have. we had been working towards adopting for a few years so we were filled with the extra grace and patience it would take to parent these kids from hard places. we felt very prepared at the beginning. we took the PATH classes, read all the books, sought counsel from everyone we knew. we just loved on our kids. it was challenging but God really moved through us. it was His grace that poured out of us.

now we are almost 3 years into being a family and those expectations that we for so long said we didn't have...yeah, we have them now. we are trying so hard not to because we know that 3 years is still only a drop in the bucket. but honestly, the expectations have crept in. we long to be able to plan more than 2 days ahead. we wish we could plan a fun family outing and know that it will be wonderful. i even have expectations of myself. surely i should be more organized by now. shouldn't my house be in much better shape than it is? we should be so much further along than we are. but...are expectations i'm finding are unrealistic. i don't know at what point i assumed that it was time for my kids or my life to meet my expectations but it happened. and with those expectations come a deep disappointment when they aren't me. and now we have these expectations but our grace and patience are on empty to fight the same battles. when preparing for adoption and parenting these kids from hard places we plan for the immediate. we don't plan for the long-term. no one says that 5 or even 10 years later it will still be the same. the further along i get in this journey i am realizing that it is not about my expectations even though i have them. it's about my obedience to what God has asked me to do. and each day is different. God is asking me to walk new roads every day. ones i never though would ever be my life, both for the good and the struggle.

on the complete flip side of my expectations being unmet God is surpassing so many expectations that i never even knew existed. he has given me a peace to walk through doors i don't understand. he has met us each step of the way. and on somedays the moments with my kids are so sweet i can hardly stand it. k has started giving me the biggest bear hugs before he walks into school. my 7th grader has started to sit close to me and let me put my arm around him while we listen to the preacher at church on sundays. my oldest is talking to me about girls (that's an entirely different post). and my husband gets to be home a week for thanksgiving and 2 weeks for christmas. wow! it is all about perspective. so yes i have expectations of my kids and my life. and yes most of those expectations are not met. but God is good and he supersedes my expectations even when i fail to live up to all he desires from me. grace can only come from the one who gives it, Almighty God. i'm working on changing my expectations to have kingdom purpose. for it is all about Him anyways!

the battle belongs to the Lord

early spring i knew the Lord was getting my heart ready for a new season. at the time i had no idea what that season would bring. secretly i believed that it meant a new house, possibly another child, but most importantly an overwhelming sense of peace within our family. i would have never guessed that the season that God was preparing me for would be the toughest and darkest i would ever face. for the past 6 weeks or so we have been down in the trenches from sun up till sun down. it has been grueling, exhausting, dangerous, at times hopeless, and unending. prayer warriors, we are still in the midst of our battles. it's so much more that fighting the flesh, it is more spiritual than i know how to describe in words. we know the battle belongs to the Lord and he will gain the victory but we are crying out "how long oh Lord?" the bigger house, although a huge blessing, has brought only more room for satan to attempt to take over. the boys have not adjusted well to their new surroundings cause for them (and brian and i too) it's like starting over. we are all learning how to trust each other all over again. new schools have been difficult to work with. brian's student teaching has taken more time than we ever anticipated. steal, kill, and destroy seems to be the anthem that is being paraded over our house and we grasp for the refuge of our Abba Father. we know he is near. we know he has not forsaken us even though it feels so dark. i'm only writing this so you will know that there is more going on in the spiritual world around us than we can ever know. i see the war that goes on daily over the very soul of my little k. it's scary. i know that i have the power of God within me and i can crush satan so i don't understand what he is doing in my house. my house is supposed to be a safe haven where we can each be recharged and find rest under the wing of our Savior. today, brian lead our family in a prayer walk through our house once again claiming our battle ground for the Lord! we are leaning on the Lord to guide us through this darkness and into his everlasting light. we KNOW that the only reason satan is attempting to destroy our family is because he sees the plans that God has for us and he wants to take us out. be on the look out! if God prompts you to pray for my family please do. prayer is what is pushing us through. most days i am only functioning out of the grace of God. there is nothing left in me but there is so much more left in Him. as the book of lamentations (one of my favorite books in the bible) reminds me daily that God's love and mercy never runs out. great is His faithfulness! i have hope even when all hope is gone. my hope is built on nothing less that Jesus' blood and righteousness!

older child adoption || school

when adopting older children (especially when you either have zero kid or only younger kids) school is a huge adjustment. we all of a sudden had 3 kids in school the last 9 weeks of a school year. i had NO IDEA what was going on. that was a complete blur to me. and in just a few short months my oldest began middle school. i was faced with geometry, ridiculous vocabulary, and all this other school that i DID NOT remember! homework was a nightmare. my kids already felt like they failed for 7 hours at school that they hated to come home and work on homework for another 4 hours and fail at that. and yes, homework at one point was taking us 4 hours, even just a simple front and back worksheet. it was a nightmare. lots of meetings were held at the school with teachers, guidance counselors, and anyone else that could be involved. i am extremely thankful for public school because they are obligated to provide every resource your child will need. there was a point we just didn't do homework because it wasn't worth the fighting. but i think about half way through the school year i finally got the rhythm down. it was and is still a huge adjustment.

last year we were blessed because some friends and family purchased all our school supplies. this year i've been stocking up over the school year for most of the stuff we need. but we were still met with some obscure things on our middle schoolers (yes, i have 2 in middle school this year) like flash drives, scientific calculators, and office supplies for the teacher. it was extremely overwhelming last summer to look at those school supply lists and see everything that my kids needed. i can't even imagine buying school supplies for more than 3 at the moment. but God is good and provided and still provides everything we need. he has also supplied me with the patience needed to guide the boys through school. some things we've learned the hard way. i learned that i do not help my oldest out with homework. it's just not good for our relationship so brian works with him. and of course, brian is the most patient and amazing dad and husband you could ask for. plus he has the gift of teaching and more importantly he understands middle schoolers (may the Lord bless him abundantly for that!).

many people ask if i would consider homeschooling my kids. and of course i would say yes to whatever God asked me to do but currently we believe it is in every one's best interest that our boys attend public school. they love school and thrive on the structure and social environment that school provides. it is also good for them to have the separation from both me and each other (i also need that time away from them). it helps us enjoy the time we do spend together. we make it a point to sit down every night as a family for dinner and talk about our day. it is great bonding time for us. now again, this is what works for my family. it might not work next year or for our other kids or even your kids, but we just take it day by day.

to follow in obedience

the past has proven that when we follow in obedience to God's calling, Satan opens the gates of hell in attempts to thwart God's plan. sadly i admit that sometimes satan's plans work. i get scared. i run for the high hills. i've missed several opportunities because i believed the lies of satan more than the truth of my Everlasting God. this summer has been no different. our family has felt God moving us into a new direction for several months now and we believe we are on the cuff of a different season. not saying an easier or better season but just a different season. even the boys are anticipating what God has for us next. daily we are asking the Lord to show us his plans for our family. and daily satan comes back with his answer. in the past week alone our oldest has had immediate hip surgery, we accidentally started a fire in our oven and had to clean and wash most everything in our house due to the fire extinguisher residue, and today little k fell on his head. brian is taking him to the hospital at this exact moment in hopes that it is nothing serious. we would greatly appreciate your prayers.

our family has come to anticipate that satan will try to get our eyes off God and His plan for our family. the word warns us that satan's goal is to steal, kill and destroy. why would we expect anything different? why would we not start each day ready for battle in anticipation of the enemies attacks? some days i act like it's such a surprise to be knocked down. i wonder where God is because i can't seem to stand on my own. but did you catch the end of that the "stand on my own"? that's exactly what God doesn't want. he wants us to stand on HIS strength alone. it is only when we are stripped of our own strength that we can fully rely on his. again, my life statement right now is that i'd trade in a life of comfort and ease any day to live a live clung to the arms of my Savior!

growing where it counts

for some it might seem like we have "cacooned" our boys for way to long. we still don't go out much and they don't have a lot of friends they hang out with. at the beginning we felt it necessary to keep our kids close to home in hopes to build attachment. alot of adoptive families differ on the subject of cacooning. for our family this has proven to beneficial. although some days if seems like we haven't made any progress I know that we have.

our boys didn't call us mom and dad from the beginning. it hasn't been until just recent that our older boys have referred to us as mom dad. that's progress! i didn't realize how much not being called "mom" by my own kids effected me but when i finally started hearing it i realized how much it did. my attachment to them began to grow.

we still face behavior issues daily and some days it is extremely exhausting. often I myself asking God why things aren't more different. why hasn't more progress been made? He then gently reminds me that they are good kids but have a lot of bad habits that are going to take a while to heal and change. they have been severly broken and that healing takes time. there trust in me, as their mom, might take forever. He also reminds me that I am not loving them and parenting them to receive their love and affection in return.

each morning this summer we have a morning routine that consist of breakfast wt 8am followed by 30 min of quit time and practicing our memory verse for the week. this is a time where we encourage them to spend time praying or reading the word. if not doing one o this then reading quietly and respecting those who are choosing to spend time with God. it's easy for me to get frusrated when they don't choose to spend time with God. I can get all self-centered and think "when i was there age I understood what it meant to love Jesus why don't they." just the other day God spoke to me and reminded me that I was blessed to be born into a family that loved Jesus. I had a foundation in Him long before I ever fully understood what that meant. my boys didn't have that same foundation. God had different plans for them. but even still, they are in the word and they are memorizing scripture. even little K can tell you our 2 verses we've already memorized. that blows my mind. last Sunday at church one of the boy's teachers came and told me how much my kid had participated in a discussion they had. they were discussing the Holy Spirit and my child not only understood but was explaining it to others. I was blown away. so even though we may not be seeing huge steps in daily life God is growing them leaps and bounds spiritually. I'll take that kind of growth any day!

running it through

the new year has brought with it both excitement and challenges. we are beyond thrilled to what this new year will bring but thus far it is starting out extremely stressful. the boys have a new principal at school meaning their schedules have changed a little. now, i know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but believe me to our boys it is a big deal. our boys survive off of routine and predictability. to change their school schedules in the middle of the year was not a good idea. it has made our mornings extremely frustrating and stressful. we are just praying through it and knowing God will bring us out the other side. please pray for us. the boys have little patience with each other and with brian and i. they have the attitude that they can do what they want when they want. it is extremely frustrating and i am needing patience to reign down on me so i can pour it out onto my family.

on the other hand brian and i have committed to running a half marathon at the end of april. we have started training and it is kicking our butts. you can follow my running at my blog runbaileysrun.  we are running with team called powered by hope to raise money for an amazing school that we pray the boys can get a scholarship to and go to one day. we fully believe God is doing incredible things at the school. please also pray and consider supporting our goal of $2000 to be raised before the marathon. you can check out our fundraising page here: http://www.firstgiving.com/brianandaudrabailey/. i never thought i would enjoy running but i am loving it. i love the time alone. i love pushing myself and building confidence. plus, it is another area of my life that i need to rely fully on the strength of God to get me through. some days it is hard to have any energy to run with 4 boys to raise. but i believe this is another impossible journey God has called us to and he will lead the way.

day 243 - it does get better

it's hard to believe my fantastic 4 have been in my home for 8 months. sometimes it seems like we've had them for years and other times it feels like they just arrived. we've walked through some crazy stuff but i'm thankful to say we have come out the other side of a lot of it. this blog has been very therapeutic for me as i look back on our journey and see what God has held our hand through. and that is the beauty of our story. God really has walked us through some serious battles. he has claimed the victory every time. sometimes those battles take hours, others days, and some even weeks. i'm sure there are some battles we will be fighting for years. but nonetheless, God will reign victorious.

for many months our battles where very physical. there have been days not so far in our past were our house was a dangerous place to be. but Christ has delivered us through that danger. at times i questioned whether all 4 of my boys could actually live together and thrive in their future. so thankful God had a plan and he guided (and still guides) us each day. through past posts you know that i've wanted to give up several times. once again God moved my heart and reminded me to keep my eyes on him. and we continue to walk through it day after day.

battles are still fought every day some are small and some rock our world. but it has gotten so much better. i know without a doubt our family will not only survive but we will thrive together.

day 224

it's been forever since i've written and honestly it felt nice to take a little break. i haven't really been in a place to write anything positive lately so i felt i better not to write at all. but i am realizing that by not sharing i am giving the enemy a foothold to just stir with my emotions. and the scripture clearly tells us that that when things are brought to the light we can lay it all at the feet of Jesus and he will carry our burdens and give us wings like eagles.

i've been doing an amazing study on the book of Daniel for the past few months and it has been incredible. the miraculous things that happened, the divine wisdom that God poured on his servants, and the prophetic words have stirred my heart. at times it has made me angry because it is so much easier to see God working in other people than your own lives. i would so often sit there and read about all the miraculous things God did for Daniel and wonder why those things couldn't happen for me. i would read about the importance of fellowship and get frustrated because i felt so isolated. these are the lies of the enemy. he is turning what God means for goodness into his plan to take me out. and he doesn't want to just take me out but he wants to take out my family.

we are only a few weeks away from finalizing our adoption at satan has called in all his troops and they have set up camp in our living room. up until yesterday i didn't realize the war i was in. i really thought there was something wrong with me. i have been so easily aggravated by my kids, it feel like i can't do anything right or make anyone happy. i feel like every day is a "bad" day. and in my house if mom has a bad day all hell breaks loose. it's dangerous, destructive, and chaotic. so at times i feel like i can't have a bad day because no one can handle me not being on my game. but God continues to show me that i am not responsible for the way my children act most of the time and that i must continue to love them through the pain. i can't be perfect but i can fight for my kids and family.

unconditional love has taken on an entire new meaning over the past several months. it's not easy to love someone when they turn their back to you all day long, talk ugly to your face and behind your back, hit, kick, and whatever else you can thing of. to feel like you're fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for is exhausting. there are many times i want to just hide under by covers and let everyone fend for themselves. i probably take a time out for myself at least once a day. but i'm finding my encouragement in my Savior. just like he delivered Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego through the fire. i know he will deliver me and my family through this fiery season. even if our deliverance is into his hands. this battle is me advancing the kingdom. begging God to receive all the glory for what i know he will do through my family. it's going to be miraculous. it's going to add another "...but God" to the story of my life. it's going to be beautiful. moment by moment i'm holding on to that promise.

day 194 - gone crazy

another moment of transparency...

this past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. nothing really huge happened. it was just all the little things that started adding up and i let satan get the best to me. i listened to his lies and spent a lot of time in self-pity. honestly, it's pretty easy to do. i felt like i had been trying so hard to be the "perfect" parent that my head exploded. i spend most of my day keeping everyone in the house happy so we can live somewhat of a "normal" life. if i'm not on my game then it feels like the gates of hell open in my house. normal ugly becomes unbearably ugly. sometimes i don't like hearing people say that brian and i parent like we've been doing this for years. believe me, it's not on purpose. i showed myself this week that when i do it on my own everything is a mess. i wasn't nice to my kids or my husband. i drove myself crazy and it all ended up with me hurting my pinkie finger pretty bad. totally not worth the crazy.

after over 6 months of being a family of 6 one would think we would begin to see how God is knitting this family together. this week my blinders have made that very difficult to see. i found myself upset with God because i felt like brian and i had sacrificed everything to raise these boys and at that crazy moment in my crazy head it didn't feel worth it. now i know that sounds awful to say out loud but that is the lie satan was telling me. it is also still so very difficult to still have a struggling connection with all 4 boys. it's draining to love them so unconditionally with absolutely nothing in return. very wearing on a mother's heart. i know this is how God feels about me so much of the time. so very thankful he doesn't give up on me.

so what did i do with my craziness? i stayed in my closet, screamed, yelled, and fell on my face before the Lord. i wanted to get it all out. i told him every lie satan had planted in my head and i laid it all on the altar. i sobbed tears of sadness, relief, and desperation for my Jesus. God granted me the peace that surpasses all understanding. then i went and apologized to my family for being so crazy. i'm sure it will not be the last time i go crazy. thankfully my family knows who i am and love me still. and most thankfully i have a loving Heavenly Father who is in the business of rescuing us in the midst of our craziness.

day 159 - respite

my biggest challenge with 4 kids is finding some alone time. that sounds really funny coming out of my mouth because i really don't like to be alone or rest for that matter but i've learned without it i will burn out. and when i'm burnt out ain't no body happy :)

this summer i was able to find some alone time whether it was just grocery shopping or a night away. a few weeks ago a few friend and i headed off for an overnight trip somewhere special. it was extremely spontaneous and incredibly needed. i admit that i was actually thrilled to get out of my house for 24 hours. it was a total recharge for me and it only took 24 hours. crazy. and even before we started heading back i looked at one of my friends and said "wow, i really miss my family. i'm ready to go home!" it was amazing to have the feeling of missing my kids. no matter how chaotic and crazy every day is i miss them when i'm not with them. i came back totally ready for the challenges ahead.

getting away with friends is incredible but the most incredible get away was with my awesome husband. my birthday was a few weeks ago and he surprised me with an overnight getaway. he had arranged for my parents to come watch the kids overnight so we could spend some time away. it was the first time we had left the kids overnight with anyone. but my parents are more than capable and the boys ADORE their gigi and grandpa. so early afternoon brian and i headed to chattanooga for the night. we stayed in an incredible bed and breakfast (that i highly recommend) and just enjoyed each other's company. we didn't do anything special but breathe really. we needed some time just to look each other in the face and say "hey, i remember you!".

i love my family and i don't want to miss anything. but catching your breath every now and then is important. i'm learning that if i don't take care of myself i'm not going to be able to take care of my family. when people ask if they can help i'm finally saying "yes, here is our need." we were never meant to do this alone. rest is good. alone time is good. time with my husband is needed. so now that it is almost midnight i'm going to get some sleep.

day 153 - transparency

trans·par·ent - [adjective] open; frank; candid

this word lays heavy on my heart. it's so much easier to write about the amazing things and share all the goodness with you. but i feel that defeats the purpose of this blog. i want to be a resource for others who are looking to adopt or foster whether internationally or domestically. and in order to be a good resource i need to be as transparent as possible. my prayer is that my journey will be an encouragement to you as you walk your own journey.

the past 2 months have been the hardest months of my entire life and i've walked through some pretty crazy stuff before. i cried more, fought harder, pleaded more, and fell on my knees before my heavenly Father more times than i can count. i knew that we would go through some major transition throughout the summer seeing as the boys and i would be home together ALL day long EVERY day but i never would have expected everything that happened. let's just say that almost every day was...a nightmare. please don't let that scare you. this is hard and dangerous stuff. i learned early on in the summer that i was walking in enemy territory when it came to my kids. the devil had a grip on them like i've never seen. there were days that i felt like i was literally fighting satan fist for fist. some days seemed unbearable. there was more anger raging through my house than i new how to fight. the negativity that flew from my children's lips broke my heart every day. there were nights were brian and i sat outside there door begging God to invade our house and our boy's hearts. there were mornings when we woke up saying "i don't want to get out of bed today." it's hard when you have to hold your child so tight so they will not hurt themselves or someone else. it's heart breaking to hear ugly words come out of your toddlers mouth as he storms off to his room hitting everything in his path. i ache when my boys can't be left alone for more than 10 seconds for fear what might happen. it's exhausting. and that's why i need a Savior. if i could do this on my own then i wouldn't need God but i love that our story can't be told with out having God in every sentence.

i was met everyday with what seemed impossible and everyday God made it possible. by his mercy and grace brian and i were able to end everyday thanking God for our family. He met us everyday where we were and walked with us. i started the summer thinking i was doing all of this for my kids. but over the course of the summer God taught me that i am not loving and raising my kids to help them (that is just an added benefit) but out of reverence for God. He has put me in a place that is dangerous, chaotic, ugly, at times unlovely, and what the world would call "unthinkable" but we are here by God's design.

thankfully with school everyone is separated and there is a little more peace in our house. my note to self for next summer is have lots of things planned and give everyone there own "thing" to do throughout the summer. too much time together is NOT a good thing. but we did have some incredible highs over the summer. the best thing being I, J, and Z all asked Christ into their heart. we are now working on teaching them to call on Jesus when satan comes knocking on their doors. the summer was not a loss. it was a learning experience. another hurdle that satan thought he could put in our path to get us to change our minds. he does that. he will tell you that you aren't supposed to do this, this is to hard, the kids would be better off somewhere else, or even that you don't want to do this. THEY ARE LIES!!! God would not have asked you to walk into something so difficult and so of Him to leave you in your time of need. that is not the God we serve. we have authority over satan and the only way he can touch us is if we give him room to move in. DON'T!!!! stay strong. ask for help. let people help you. surrender it all to the Lord!

 

day 149 - first day of school

i've just dropped off my 6th grader, 5th grader, and 3rd grader at the first day of school. it was more exciting than anything else. everyone had their box of school supplies, backpacks, and lunchboxes. of course the 6th grader quickly sped off to his class so dad or i didn't have to walk him their. he was nervous about remembering his locker combination. our 5th grader didn't want anyone to embarrass him.

i walked our 3rd grader into his room. we chose a desk that was clustered with other friends. being the mom i made sure to get all his desk buddies names and introduced them to my kid. then i walked with Z to find a cubbie for his backpack and lunchbox. his classroom has an underwater theme that i thought was so creative. Z then gave me this look that said "mom, you're embarrassing me so can you please leave?" i took my cue and left. i met brian and little K and we walked proudly out of the school leaving our 3 older kids there to find their adventures for the day. it's our first day of school and i still have butterflies in my tummy.

day 136 - transition

one thing i have found about adoptive children is that they struggle deeply with transition. they hate it when plans change last minute or if plans spontaneously appear. i know in general kids struggle with this but adoptive kids extremely struggle with this. unfortunately i have learned this the hard way with our summer. i spent most of the summer "playing it by ear" and it didn't serve me well. now, we did make it through the summer but it wasn't without its fits and battles. i'm thankful that it is almost over. but i'm not a person who likes structure. i never get up at the same time or eat at the same time every day. i've spent most of my life trying NOT to get stuck into a routine but with 4 kids i'm finding that i will drown without one. i'm not saying every minute has to be planned but some structure is really good. i would probably loose about 50% of my questions throughout the day if i just had a list up of everything that was going on or needed to be done that day ahead of time. even something as simple as creating a weekly menu for the kids to see.

my kids don't understand when plans change. they hear one thing and anything after that doesn't matter. for example: if i said we have 1 hour to play at mcdonald's but you have to not scream, hit, or get in the way of other children. you must also listen and obey immediately or we will have to leave. well 10 min later all hell breaks loose and i'm telling my kids we got to go and they start pouting and throwing fits. in my mind i don't understand why they can be upset. but in their mind they heard we were going to be there for 1 hour and they think i lied to them.

transition is tough. and honestly it is starting to rub off on me too. i've got to go work on my calendar so i can put on our board what is coming tomorrow.

day 131 - the reason

today was the day that God reminded me why we have chosen to live a dangerously surrendered life. the reason we are called to go and make disciples. today i got to watch my amazing husband, the new father of the fantastic 4 and godly man baptize my 3 oldest boys. the boys had all asked Jesus in the hearts weeks before and were ready to make that public. they were so excited about being baptized and the celebration that surrounded it. we invited everyone we knew to come and watch, rejoice, and praise God for the work he continues to do.

it was a celebration i will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life. family came from all over to witness this public declare that our boys fight for the Living Savior! friends yelled and cheered as each boy came out of the water. i cried tears of joy watching my boys and knowing their lives were surrendered to the King of Kings. no matter what evil comes knocking at my door, our door, or their door we can call on Jesus and he will rescue. this is why we are doing this. God chose to rescue our fantastic 4 out of the dust and make them into warriors for himself. and he asked brian and i to be a part of it. why would we ever want to miss out on something like that? this is so much bigger than us. i'm so thankful that God goes to the extreme to save his children.

as the service concluded the song i sing over my boys every night began to play:

you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us

you make me new
you are making me new

day 105 - not a band-aid

i stand in amazement every day that this is the journey God has called us on. i have seen the works of the devil and the works of my Almighty Merciful Savior each and every day. i'm experiencing his new mercies and grace every morning. i'm learning that i cannot get through a day without putting on the armor of God. i'm learning to persevere for the long-haul.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

there is nothing easy or grand about the road we are walking. honestly, some days i just want to stay in bed. the negativity around my house is often more than i can bare. some days i see great progress and the next day we are back to square one. some moments can be so sweet and then quickly turn to nightmares.

after a really rough past few days i was reminded by a friend yesterday that we are not in this to be just a band-aid on these boy's lives. i don't want immediate progress if it means suffering later. i want to run the race that is before me with joy and perseverance. i want God to change the hearts of my children not just their attitudes or words. and i have to remind myself, it's only been a few months. a few months compared to the rest of their lives is nothing.

i want to be like caleb in the Bible and ask God for my mountain. i want to have the courage he had to persevere and bring glory to the Lord most high. i don't want to be someone who "lacks anything". my prayer is turning into "Lord, give me more of this if it means more of You!"

day 100 - our favorite things

here is our top 100 things we love doing as a family:

1. serving our community as a family

2. going to church and worshiping as a family

3. swimming at the pool

4. playing the wii together

5. snuggling up to watch a great movie

6. great conversations around the dinner table

7. hearing all the little noises around the house bright and early in the morning

8. dance parties to some tobymac

9. eating great food together

10. discovering the zoo together

11. having help when it comes to folding the clothes

12. making new friends

13. playing with friends

14. help with clipping coupons

15. teaching each other how to swim (the boys)

16. jamming out to music in the car

17. mowing the lawn

18. cooking dinner

19. playing outside

20. finger painting

21. coming up with new art projects

22. going new places

23. making pb&j's with more pb that bread

24. eating granola bars like they are going out of style

25. drinking chocolate milk

26. skyping with family across the globe

27. spending time reading as a family

28. family devotions

29. answering questions the boys have about God and the Bible

30. playing mario brothers and getting smashed by my kids

31. visit family

32. going to krispy kreme

33. playing games on the ipod

34. folding loads and loads of laundry :)

35. playing board games

36. earning marbles for good behavior

37. spending our money on special things

38. teaching my kids to be good stewards of their money

39. eat reese's and vanilla ice cream

40. making homemade smoothies and milkshakes

41. eating at chick-fil-a and moes!

42. playing wii resort especially the jet skiing

43. taking pictures of all these smiling faces

44. watching "so you think you can dance"

45. making comments about all the great dancers on SYTYCD

46. attempting to dance as good as the dancers on SYTYCD

47. being robots

48. reading our Bibles together

49. bedtime routines

50. family nights playing wii or board games

51. celebrating birthdays as a family

52. talking with grandparents on the phone

53. being the first one to answer the phone when dad calls

54. playing monopoly

55. spending the night with grandparents

56. helping each other

57. cleaning the house as a team

58. watching our favorite movie "meet the robinsons"

59. having conversations about how great our new family is

60. walking jackson

61. giving jackson a bath

62. deciding who stinks the worst: jackson or the boys

63. trying to make the house not smell like BOYS

64. watching the boys play sports

65. being the loudest and biggest cheering section at the football games

66. speaking truth over our family

67. claiming the promises God has for us

68. sharing God with my kids

69. having them turn their hearts to God

70. knowing 2 of my kids are fighting for God's side now!

71. learning how to fight Satan in a new and real way

72. the reality of the spiritual battles for our kid's souls

73. seeing God receive the victory over every battle

74. cooking for a large family

75. going shopping at walmart

76. making a big breakfast

77. watching the "swagger wagon" youtube video

78. going to happy hour at sonic

79. driving around look at possible and dream houses

80. going to the recycle bin and emptying everything in 1 min

81. trying to locate all our "G" rated movies

82. paying way too much to do anything

83. singing to "disney sing it" on the wii

84. singing every word to every song of taylor swift

85. listening to the boys sing all the songs to high school musical

86. bear hugs at least 100 times a day

87. hearing "secret mama?" then getting a big "I LOVE YOU"

88. watching the world cup

89. teaching the boys to play piano

90. hearing "mama's here" when i come out to breakfast

91. teaching new songs

92. hearing "will you sing to us" every night

93. finding new and fun things to do

94. discovering the world through new eyes

95. knowing this is the rest of our lives

96. watching the boys play with each other

97. hearing the boys ask "can we pray for..."

98. enjoying just sitting next to each other

99. holding hands why we pray

100. hearing "I LOVE YOU" being yelled down the hall

introducing the bailey bunch

the bailey bunch is finally all under one roof. there are 4 extra hearts to love, mouths to feed, bodies to hug, goodnights to say, and hands to hold. i LOVE it! we are all adjusting but i can't imagine my life any different at this moment. besides trying to stay on top of the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, homework, and a toddler who is already climbing out of his crib; i am fully enjoying the sweet prayers that are said around the dinner table, hearing them ask who is in their new family, listening to them tell me about their first day of school and the friends they met, and tucking them in each night.

J is my oldest in 5th grade. he is smart, kind, gentle, handsome, huge smile, eager to learn, has a desire to know the Lord, and growing into a young man. he loves to read, skateboard, hang out with friends, play football, and play chess with his brothers. he also enjoys his favorite snack beef jerky and is a little shy towards new foods. we are already seeing God begin to tug on his heart as he asks questions and seeks to know more about the Word of God.

T is our 4th grader. he is our passionate child falling at either one end of the spectrum or the other. there is no middle ground. he is also very smart, can be shy, very protective, also handsome, extremely funny, and can steal your heart in an instant he is enjoys basketball, the wii, beating everyone at any game we play, reading wimpy kids, riding his bike, playing outside with his brothers, and sleeping. his favorite snack is also beef jerky but this dude eats everything you put in front of him. he likes all the healthy stuff along with the sugar. he always makes me feel great about my cooking. i even cooked an african dish for them the other night and he couldn't get enough of it. he also already has a spot in his heart for his new grandparents. i can't wait to dig into his little heart some more and find who God has created him to be and help T build on his passions. i know God has an incredible plan for his future.

D is our 2nd grader and will be your instant best friend. he is goofy, fun-loving, easy going, always says "please" and "thank you", would vacuum the entire house if i let him, enjoys riding his scooter and bike, playing outside with his brothers, and playing every board game in the house. he loves his chili fritos but he is also an excellent eater. D, like T, would eat us out of house and home if we let them. he also loves to read and we are enjoying reading aloud together. he has already made several friends at school and even got to go on a field trip on his first day. he has a huge heart and wants to encourage. God is opening his eyes to new things every day and we are anxious to pour into D and help him to know the Lord in his own way.

our little I is going to be our little heart breaker. he is 2 and that is 2 with all sense of being 2. he started climbing out of his crib on his 3rd night home. and he is also pulling off his diaper. oh boy, so not ready for all that right now. little I loves to play hard, play with his older brothers, sing at the top of his lungs, find anything that makes noise, drink apple juice, eat yogurt, put everything in his mouth, and he is already becoming jackson's best friend. i am loving having him home all day while the older 3 are in school. i'm praying that God will use me as a vessel to teach little I and that God will mold him into a little warrior.

this is my new family. i love going to sleep at nigh knowing my family is safe and sound. i love waking up in the morning hearing them already up and playing in their rooms. i the big bear hugs that come before bedtime. i love being a mom. and this is the new and improved bailey bunch...at least in words.

why i blog

there are many reasons to blog. some blog to let off steam. others blog to have some communication with the outside world. some blog to have a record of their current life. some blog to be resources. well i blog for all those reasons. blogging is like journaling to me. it allows me to pour out all that stuff that is just sitting in my head or heart. because i don't have a job and my office is my home blogging allows me to have that connection to the outside world. and i love the thought that i get to have a record of this entire journey God has brought us on. but the biggest reason that i blog is i want to be a resource.

the blogger world has been invaluable to me throughout this adoption process. you will see several links on the side of our blog of other adoption blogs that have given us so much hope and encouragement. i love that there are so many people out there sharing their journey. you can almost always find someone who has been through or is going through exactly what you are. that is huge! however, most of the blogs we follow are international adoption and a few domestic adoption.

when we began the foster/adoption process we found it a little more difficult to find resources on that process. a lot of it is because you have to be so careful about what you say as a foster parent. well i'm learning that you can still keep a lot of things private while still being a resources. so i am praying that God will use my blog to be a resource for others that are thinking about or are going through the foster/adoption process. it's a very different world with a lot of different struggles and emotions. we all need to lean on each other. it's all about asking for help! you need a community to walk through this.

i'm here to answer whatever questions i can and provide any insight to what God is walking us through. even though we have been walking this road for over a year and half our journey is just beginning. there is so much more to come!

about us

i know there have been several new people who have started reading this blog and a few have asked how this all began. you are welcome to go back to the beginning and read through our story. it's pretty crazy all the places God has taken us. but in case you don't have that much time i will give you a snippet...

brian and i met during the summer of 2005 while working at a camp. we worked with inner city kids and fell in love with each other falling in love with the kids we worked with. we got married a few months later knowing that God had put adoption on our hearts for the future. during the summer of 2008 brian and i both felt God tugging on our hearts that it was time to pursue adoption. although we thought we would have our biological children first (they will just have to come later) God had a different plan. we began pursuing international adoption through an amazing adoption agency bethany christian services (we highly recommend!). they walked us through some paperwork and talked with us a lot. that is when we began leaning towards domestic adoption because we thought we really wanted to start with an infant. so for about a year we walked the road to pursue and infant male. we had a few maybes along the way but nothing that stuck. it was just a lot of waiting. i'm pretty impatient and i began questioning God whether now was really the right time or not. we had said "yes" to whatever God wanted but i wasn't ready to say "yes" to all this waiting.

so in october 2009 we began searching hearts to see if we were really saying "yes" to WHATEVER God had for us and not just the "idea" we had in our head of how our family should start. once again God began tugging our heart strings and steering us towards foster/adoption. we didn't know a lot about it but began researching, contacting, and gathering as much information as possible. we were so excited to have something to do. we started in on the PATH class which all foster parents have to complete before pursuing any children. we completed the classes before christmas then hit a few road blocks. we were being told that the foster system didn't need us. just one more thing that made us doubt where God had us. but God...

God had a different plan. the wrong doors were being closed so the we would walk through the right open door. and that we did. we met an incredible case worker who has been walking with us step by step for the past 2 months. she introduced us to our soon-to-be fantastic 4. our family has been made up of only brian and i (and our dog jackson) for the past 4+ years and now in the next month we will be adding those fantastic 4 to our family. wow. isn't God awesome?!?!?! we never dreamed this is where we would end up but so grateful that God has brought us here. thankful and honored that he has invited us to join him in what he is already doing in these young men's lives. we feel blessed beyond belief to know them and have them in our home. it won't be all cupcakes and sunshine. the expectations and dreams i have had about what life would be like with kids has been surrendered to the Father. brian and i are jumping all in, dangerously surrendering, to whatever lies ahead, wherever God decides to take us from here. as some dear friends state all the time "we're trading in the ordinary for the the extraordinary!!!"