trans·par·ent - [adjective] open; frank; candidthis word lays heavy on my heart. it's so much easier to write about the amazing things and share all the goodness with you. but i feel that defeats the purpose of this blog. i want to be a resource for others who are looking to adopt or foster whether internationally or domestically. and in order to be a good resource i need to be as transparent as possible. my prayer is that my journey will be an encouragement to you as you walk your own journey.
the past 2 months have been the hardest months of my entire life and i've walked through some pretty crazy stuff before. i cried more, fought harder, pleaded more, and fell on my knees before my heavenly Father more times than i can count. i knew that we would go through some major transition throughout the summer seeing as the boys and i would be home together ALL day long EVERY day but i never would have expected everything that happened. let's just say that almost every day was...a nightmare. please don't let that scare you. this is hard and dangerous stuff. i learned early on in the summer that i was walking in enemy territory when it came to my kids. the devil had a grip on them like i've never seen. there were days that i felt like i was literally fighting satan fist for fist. some days seemed unbearable. there was more anger raging through my house than i new how to fight. the negativity that flew from my children's lips broke my heart every day. there were nights were brian and i sat outside there door begging God to invade our house and our boy's hearts. there were mornings when we woke up saying "i don't want to get out of bed today." it's hard when you have to hold your child so tight so they will not hurt themselves or someone else. it's heart breaking to hear ugly words come out of your toddlers mouth as he storms off to his room hitting everything in his path. i ache when my boys can't be left alone for more than 10 seconds for fear what might happen. it's exhausting. and that's why i need a Savior. if i could do this on my own then i wouldn't need God but i love that our story can't be told with out having God in every sentence.
i was met everyday with what seemed impossible and everyday God made it possible. by his mercy and grace brian and i were able to end everyday thanking God for our family. He met us everyday where we were and walked with us. i started the summer thinking i was doing all of this for my kids. but over the course of the summer God taught me that i am not loving and raising my kids to help them (that is just an added benefit) but out of reverence for God. He has put me in a place that is dangerous, chaotic, ugly, at times unlovely, and what the world would call "unthinkable" but we are here by God's design.
thankfully with school everyone is separated and there is a little more peace in our house. my note to self for next summer is have lots of things planned and give everyone there own "thing" to do throughout the summer. too much time together is NOT a good thing. but we did have some incredible highs over the summer. the best thing being I, J, and Z all asked Christ into their heart. we are now working on teaching them to call on Jesus when satan comes knocking on their doors. the summer was not a loss. it was a learning experience. another hurdle that satan thought he could put in our path to get us to change our minds. he does that. he will tell you that you aren't supposed to do this, this is to hard, the kids would be better off somewhere else, or even that you don't want to do this. THEY ARE LIES!!! God would not have asked you to walk into something so difficult and so of Him to leave you in your time of need. that is not the God we serve. we have authority over satan and the only way he can touch us is if we give him room to move in. DON'T!!!! stay strong. ask for help. let people help you. surrender it all to the Lord!