another moment of transparency...
this past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. nothing really huge happened. it was just all the little things that started adding up and i let satan get the best to me. i listened to his lies and spent a lot of time in self-pity. honestly, it's pretty easy to do. i felt like i had been trying so hard to be the "perfect" parent that my head exploded. i spend most of my day keeping everyone in the house happy so we can live somewhat of a "normal" life. if i'm not on my game then it feels like the gates of hell open in my house. normal ugly becomes unbearably ugly. sometimes i don't like hearing people say that brian and i parent like we've been doing this for years. believe me, it's not on purpose. i showed myself this week that when i do it on my own everything is a mess. i wasn't nice to my kids or my husband. i drove myself crazy and it all ended up with me hurting my pinkie finger pretty bad. totally not worth the crazy.
after over 6 months of being a family of 6 one would think we would begin to see how God is knitting this family together. this week my blinders have made that very difficult to see. i found myself upset with God because i felt like brian and i had sacrificed everything to raise these boys and at that crazy moment in my crazy head it didn't feel worth it. now i know that sounds awful to say out loud but that is the lie satan was telling me. it is also still so very difficult to still have a struggling connection with all 4 boys. it's draining to love them so unconditionally with absolutely nothing in return. very wearing on a mother's heart. i know this is how God feels about me so much of the time. so very thankful he doesn't give up on me.
so what did i do with my craziness? i stayed in my closet, screamed, yelled, and fell on my face before the Lord. i wanted to get it all out. i told him every lie satan had planted in my head and i laid it all on the altar. i sobbed tears of sadness, relief, and desperation for my Jesus. God granted me the peace that surpasses all understanding. then i went and apologized to my family for being so crazy. i'm sure it will not be the last time i go crazy. thankfully my family knows who i am and love me still. and most thankfully i have a loving Heavenly Father who is in the business of rescuing us in the midst of our craziness.