another moment of transparency...
this past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. nothing really huge happened. it was just all the little things that started adding up and i let satan get the best to me. i listened to his lies and spent a lot of time in self-pity. honestly, it's pretty easy to do. i felt like i had been trying so hard to be the "perfect" parent that my head exploded. i spend most of my day keeping everyone in the house happy so we can live somewhat of a "normal" life. if i'm not on my game then it feels like the gates of hell open in my house. normal ugly becomes unbearably ugly. sometimes i don't like hearing people say that brian and i parent like we've been doing this for years. believe me, it's not on purpose. i showed myself this week that when i do it on my own everything is a mess. i wasn't nice to my kids or my husband. i drove myself crazy and it all ended up with me hurting my pinkie finger pretty bad. totally not worth the crazy.
after over 6 months of being a family of 6 one would think we would begin to see how God is knitting this family together. this week my blinders have made that very difficult to see. i found myself upset with God because i felt like brian and i had sacrificed everything to raise these boys and at that crazy moment in my crazy head it didn't feel worth it. now i know that sounds awful to say out loud but that is the lie satan was telling me. it is also still so very difficult to still have a struggling connection with all 4 boys. it's draining to love them so unconditionally with absolutely nothing in return. very wearing on a mother's heart. i know this is how God feels about me so much of the time. so very thankful he doesn't give up on me.
so what did i do with my craziness? i stayed in my closet, screamed, yelled, and fell on my face before the Lord. i wanted to get it all out. i told him every lie satan had planted in my head and i laid it all on the altar. i sobbed tears of sadness, relief, and desperation for my Jesus. God granted me the peace that surpasses all understanding. then i went and apologized to my family for being so crazy. i'm sure it will not be the last time i go crazy. thankfully my family knows who i am and love me still. and most thankfully i have a loving Heavenly Father who is in the business of rescuing us in the midst of our craziness.
3 comments:
I really cannot imagine what you are going through, must be so stressful, draining, and all along you may never see what you are doing. But others see and no matter what there are people that love you. And use that closet my friend, everyone needs a good closet to go to. Love you and know that I am only a phone call away if you need anyone to listen!!
Not that this is revolutionary or anything, but I love this practice that my friend Cris has begun. I'm guessing I might do this too in the near future. Just an exercise to help us adoptive moms focus on the little bits of progress that are made that we might be missing. Praying it might be helpful to you... and just praying for you! :)
http://adoptingsweetpea.blogspot.com/2010/08/finding-joy-in-today.html
I had a crazy moment this weekend too. And my crazy moment was with the man of my heart and my 2 biological children. We as Moms take on so much for everyone else. Trust me, it happens to us all. Biological or not, you are now a mom and being perfect is what we ALL strive for and we ALL fail at on a moment by moment basis. It's not a failure in whole because we learn from each experience. Satan will take any chance he gets to get a hold of our hearts and minds. Just go to the closet and find your alter again. Ask for him to be bound and thrown down to the pits of Hades! You are doing a tremendous job as a Mom and a wife. Keep your chin up!
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