day 224

it's been forever since i've written and honestly it felt nice to take a little break. i haven't really been in a place to write anything positive lately so i felt i better not to write at all. but i am realizing that by not sharing i am giving the enemy a foothold to just stir with my emotions. and the scripture clearly tells us that that when things are brought to the light we can lay it all at the feet of Jesus and he will carry our burdens and give us wings like eagles.

i've been doing an amazing study on the book of Daniel for the past few months and it has been incredible. the miraculous things that happened, the divine wisdom that God poured on his servants, and the prophetic words have stirred my heart. at times it has made me angry because it is so much easier to see God working in other people than your own lives. i would so often sit there and read about all the miraculous things God did for Daniel and wonder why those things couldn't happen for me. i would read about the importance of fellowship and get frustrated because i felt so isolated. these are the lies of the enemy. he is turning what God means for goodness into his plan to take me out. and he doesn't want to just take me out but he wants to take out my family.

we are only a few weeks away from finalizing our adoption at satan has called in all his troops and they have set up camp in our living room. up until yesterday i didn't realize the war i was in. i really thought there was something wrong with me. i have been so easily aggravated by my kids, it feel like i can't do anything right or make anyone happy. i feel like every day is a "bad" day. and in my house if mom has a bad day all hell breaks loose. it's dangerous, destructive, and chaotic. so at times i feel like i can't have a bad day because no one can handle me not being on my game. but God continues to show me that i am not responsible for the way my children act most of the time and that i must continue to love them through the pain. i can't be perfect but i can fight for my kids and family.

unconditional love has taken on an entire new meaning over the past several months. it's not easy to love someone when they turn their back to you all day long, talk ugly to your face and behind your back, hit, kick, and whatever else you can thing of. to feel like you're fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for is exhausting. there are many times i want to just hide under by covers and let everyone fend for themselves. i probably take a time out for myself at least once a day. but i'm finding my encouragement in my Savior. just like he delivered Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego through the fire. i know he will deliver me and my family through this fiery season. even if our deliverance is into his hands. this battle is me advancing the kingdom. begging God to receive all the glory for what i know he will do through my family. it's going to be miraculous. it's going to add another "...but God" to the story of my life. it's going to be beautiful. moment by moment i'm holding on to that promise.