Thursday, June 18, 2009

the fight is not against the flesh

i know it has been over 2 weeks since i have posted. brian has been posting the updates with all our finances. i'll be honest. the past two weeks have been a struggle for me. i thought that maybe God was waiting for us to be chosen to be parents until we were "ready" to have a child in our home. so i thought God would just allow life to get better and better while we waited. brian and i would draw closer in our marriage and really prepare to be parents, our jobs would be amazing making it so easy to transition into being parents, and everything like that. well lately it seems like the more time we spend waiting the more of a foothold satan is gaining. i'm finding myself so anxious that sometimes i'm not sure i really want to do this. i wish that i could express what is in my heart. i'm so exhausted that sometimes i don't even know whether to sit, stand, fight, yell, scream, cry, laugh, love or whatever. i'm struggling so hard to know what it means to "be still" and wait on God. is it a literal stillness? am i supposed to just sit and do nothing? for those of you who know me know that i am very impatient and when i want something i go after it. so needless to say this waiting for a birthmom to choose us stuff is not very easy for me.

last night i was reading in Ephesians 6:12,13 where it talks about fighting wars not against flesh and blood but in a spiritual sense. i know that each day is a battle against the enemy and each day i feel like God is allowing me to recognize the enemy. but honestly, these past few weeks it has really been hard to fight. so last night i was so comforted when i ready verse 13 where it says "therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." stand. i think i can do that. i don't know that i have the strength to fight right now but i think i can stand. i am blessed to have amazing friends and an amazing husband that sometimes they are the only thing holding me up. God really is that good. i would never want to walk this road without them. i'm thankful that my God is big enough to handle all my emotions, frustrations, anxiousness and tears. he's still there holding me even tighter.

so there is my heart for the world to read. God is good. I know he is good.

4 comments:

Team Martins said...

audra... we love you!

thank you for being so honest in this hard time... the waiting... i'm right with you in understanding the difficulty in being patient and going after what you want... though i've never walked in your shoes with an adoption, my heart can only imagine... and i'm holding you both close! we all are!

when my mom leaves, i would love to spend time together... joe could watch the girls, we could go out for coffee? :)

saying prayers for you tonight!

Amy @ Literacy Launchpad said...

Thank you for sharing this. I have these same feelings more often than I like to admit, and we're barely even into the adoption process.

Wish I had some great wisdom and encouragement to share, but it's late... and all I can think of to say is that we'll keep you guys in our prayers.

Heather Childs said...

It's a beautiful thing that you're sharing on this blog: your open, honest feelings. God is going to use your journey for the countless others that will walk where you walk.

Be encouraged: Satan is attacking because you are exactly where God wants you to be!

Fight on dear friends, FIGHT ON!!!

Standing with you in our prayers,
Josh & Heather

Chelsea said...

i love you so much. audra, you are the most amazing person i know. i pray every day that God would hurry this whole thing up but then im reminded that its all in his time. i am so proud of you and brian. i know that God is good and that he is seldom early but never late. dad taught me that. audra you are my best friend and i love you so much. im sorry i can't be there to hold your hand while you stand. but you know what, im praying for you everyday and praying that God will be the hand that you stand upon. i love you my dear dear sister and best friend.