One Step at a Time

Just Love

2011-10-31T12:14:00.001-05:00

is that a statement? command? question? suggestion? what exactly is "just love"?

2 weeks ago our pastor started a new series titled "just love". to be honest with you i wasn't so sure that i was going to enjoy the series or whatever. most "love" messages i've heard have been all about God loves us and we should love him and just how simple it all is and basically if you can't do that you are screwed up.

in Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus talks about the 2 greatest commandments being to love God with all you have all the time and love all people the same way. not just a friendship love but the agape committed and devoted love. sounds so simple. in fact it sounds so simple that it i feel that it is just cruel. if it's that simple why can't i contain that kind of love for God or anyone? why is the love i try to share each day not enough. if it is the greatest commandment then why is love failing me every day. i searched God strongly with my questions. i read 1 Corinthians 13 about how love is patient, kind, not self-seeking or easily angered, protects, hopes and perseveres. i can't seem to find that kind of love inside myself. my love is selfish, envious, easily angered, gives up, and fails tremendously on a daily basis. i don't understand. in a world where we are told daily "love is enough" i battle daily in my own home where love ISN'T enough. well at least, my fleshly love isn't enough. and this is where God changed my perspective.

my love will never and can never be enough. i'm human, not God. it's HIS love that is patient, kind, not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no records of my wrongs, protects, hopes, and perseveres. it is his love THROUGH me that loves others. it's when i am empty of my own imperfect love that his love pours in and his love IS ENOUGH! that's the love that can see into hearts and love well.

so whether it is JUST LOVE! that is shouted from the mountains. or just love? that is the questions that always brings you to your knees before Abba Father. or even just love. a simple statement that is a daily reminder of Matthew 22. they all say the same thing JUST LOVE. it's the same as JUST GOD. he is all we need. he is the great I AM. he is everything.

the battle belongs to the Lord

2011-09-19T21:01:00.000-05:00

early spring i knew the Lord was getting my heart ready for a new season. at the time i had no idea what that season would bring. secretly i believed that it meant a new house, possibly another child, but most importantly an overwhelming sense of peace within our family. i would have never guessed that the season that God was preparing me for would be the toughest and darkest i would ever face. for the past 6 weeks or so we have been down in the trenches from sun up till sun down. it has been grueling, exhausting, dangerous, at times hopeless, and unending. prayer warriors, we are still in the midst of our battles. it's so much more that fighting the flesh, it is more spiritual than i know how to describe in words. we know the battle belongs to the Lord and he will gain the victory but we are crying out "how long oh Lord?" the bigger house, although a huge blessing, has brought only more room for satan to attempt to take over. the boys have not adjusted well to their new surroundings cause for them (and brian and i too) it's like starting over. we are all learning how to trust each other all over again. new schools have been difficult to work with. brian's student teaching has taken more time than we ever anticipated. steal, kill, and destroy seems to be the anthem that is being paraded over our house and we grasp for the refuge of our Abba Father. we know he is near. we know he has not forsaken us even though it feels so dark. i'm only writing this so you will know that there is more going on in the spiritual world around us than we can ever know. i see the war that goes on daily over the very soul of my little k. it's scary. i know that i have the power of God within me and i can crush satan so i don't understand what he is doing in my house. my house is supposed to be a safe haven where we can each be recharged and find rest under the wing of our Savior. today, brian lead our family in a prayer walk through our house once again claiming our battle ground for the Lord! we are leaning on the Lord to guide us through this darkness and into his everlasting light. we KNOW that the only reason satan is attempting to destroy our family is because he sees the plans that God has for us and he wants to take us out. be on the look out! if God prompts you to pray for my family please do. prayer is what is pushing us through. most days i am only functioning out of the grace of God. there is nothing left in me but there is so much more left in Him. as the book of lamentations (one of my favorite books in the bible) reminds me daily that God's love and mercy never runs out. great is His faithfulness! i have hope even when all hope is gone. my hope is built on nothing less that Jesus' blood and righteousness!

A Hymn "He giveth more grace"

2011-08-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

my dance partner

2011-08-15T13:14:00.001-05:00

i'd like to take a moment to tell you how incredible my husband is. each day he loves our family more and he sinks deeper into the Father's grip! last week he started his student teaching experience. he will be spending the next 7 weeks observing and teaching in an 8th grade science classroom. i couldn't be more proud of him for following his dreams and stepping out in faith to what God laid on his heart. he is an wonderful example to me and our kids. he proves to us daily that following Christ is not easy but oh so sweet and good. my heart is happy knowing that Brian is doing something he can put his heart into. he's totally in his element with a group of kids around (remember that's when i fell in love with him 6 years ago). God has taken him down many different roads but they all were to lead him to the hear and now. i love him with all my heart and although this current season will come with it's chaos and trials we will rest in the peace of our Heavenly Father. a song that means so much to both of us is the Andrew Peterson song "Dancing in the Minefields". it's the song i currently wake up to every morning and the last line stays with me all day "so in the face of all this chaos, baby, i can dance with you." no matter what the day brings or when i do loose my way i know God has brought an amazing dance partner into my life to remind me and stand with me. brian has laid his life down for me a many of times and my prayer is that we remember that God promises us that when we loose our life for another is when we find what life is all about and that is loving Jesus. marriage is as close as we get to understanding what that relationship with Christ will one day be like in all it's perfectness in heaven.

colossians 1:118-20

2011-08-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

"He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross."

Colossians 1:18-20

peace isn't a feeling that comes when you are in a calm season of life or when everything is going good. peace doesn't come and go. peace can not be bought at the grocery store. there isn't a coupon for it. and it for sure doesn't come from other people. peace can only come from the Creator who IS peace! it isn't a feeling but an unchangeable condition. it is permanent forgiveness.

often i have searched for peace in my circumstances, friends, family, and many others but only God's peace lasts. i can easily begin to worry and keep my worries on the forefront of my mind. it's hard for me to rest in the presence of my Savior when my life feels like chaos. but no matter where i am Christ calls to me and pursues me. He offers me peace in his presence. it's mine for the taking so why don't i choose it? when i stay in my insecurities and worries i have excuses for things and it gives sin a place to hide. but God's peace is the permanent forgiveness and that comes every moment of every day no matter what. some days i yell at myself "reach for it, audra, peace is right there for you! you were made for victory, not defeat!" i'm asking the Lord to teach me to enjoy his peace more continually. to seek his presence and therefore will also seek his peace. peace is going to rest in my house today because i claim it!

school update

2011-08-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

school starts tomorrow and i'm just as overwhelmed and nervous as i was last year. i thought for sure i would get better my second time around but sadly (and today frustratingly) i am not. everything seems to be happening at the last minute. getting shot records is becoming impossible and taking all 4 kids with me to do all this stuff is like pulling teeth. however, all 3 older kids will be starting school tomorrow. my middle schoolers will hop on the bus at 7am and my 4th grader will walk to school with k and myself. the boys are excited and ready and that is the most important thing. praying bold prayers over the school year. believing God for big things for my kids, their teachers, and their relationships at school.

older child adoption || school

2011-07-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

when adopting older children (especially when you either have zero kid or only younger kids) school is a huge adjustment. we all of a sudden had 3 kids in school the last 9 weeks of a school year. i had NO IDEA what was going on. that was a complete blur to me. and in just a few short months my oldest began middle school. i was faced with geometry, ridiculous vocabulary, and all this other school that i DID NOT remember! homework was a nightmare. my kids already felt like they failed for 7 hours at school that they hated to come home and work on homework for another 4 hours and fail at that. and yes, homework at one point was taking us 4 hours, even just a simple front and back worksheet. it was a nightmare. lots of meetings were held at the school with teachers, guidance counselors, and anyone else that could be involved. i am extremely thankful for public school because they are obligated to provide every resource your child will need. there was a point we just didn't do homework because it wasn't worth the fighting. but i think about half way through the school year i finally got the rhythm down. it was and is still a huge adjustment.

last year we were blessed because some friends and family purchased all our school supplies. this year i've been stocking up over the school year for most of the stuff we need. but we were still met with some obscure things on our middle schoolers (yes, i have 2 in middle school this year) like flash drives, scientific calculators, and office supplies for the teacher. it was extremely overwhelming last summer to look at those school supply lists and see everything that my kids needed. i can't even imagine buying school supplies for more than 3 at the moment. but God is good and provided and still provides everything we need. he has also supplied me with the patience needed to guide the boys through school. some things we've learned the hard way. i learned that i do not help my oldest out with homework. it's just not good for our relationship so brian works with him. and of course, brian is the most patient and amazing dad and husband you could ask for. plus he has the gift of teaching and more importantly he understands middle schoolers (may the Lord bless him abundantly for that!).

many people ask if i would consider homeschooling my kids. and of course i would say yes to whatever God asked me to do but currently we believe it is in every one's best interest that our boys attend public school. they love school and thrive on the structure and social environment that school provides. it is also good for them to have the separation from both me and each other (i also need that time away from them). it helps us enjoy the time we do spend together. we make it a point to sit down every night as a family for dinner and talk about our day. it is great bonding time for us. now again, this is what works for my family. it might not work next year or for our other kids or even your kids, but we just take it day by day.

God size miracle

2011-07-26T13:22:00.001-05:00

God

sorry i took a longer break from the older child series than i expected. i will be back hopefully tomorrow with a new post in that series. but the reason for my break is because WE MOVED!!!! by a God sized miracle we were able to purchase a house without our tax refund. God didn't move the mountain, he just cut a big ole path right through the middle. that is how awesome the God is that we serve. i am still in awe of what God is doing for us. it all happened extremely fast and i have been neck deep in either packing or unpacking for the past month. we just moved in last weekend.

our house is more than we could have ever asked for. it is over 3400 sq ft, 5 bedrooms, 4 1/2 baths, plus a large area for the kids to play. we are currently turning one of the bedrooms into a playroom for the boys. the master suite is the biggest suite i've ever seen. our closet is bigger than our boys bedroom in our last house. i have my first separate bathtub EVER! that alone is going change everything. God has not only blessed us with space for the 6 of us but for our family to grow. He is so good! we are in an incredible community that has already embraced us. neighbors have been introducing themselves every time we step outside. and another God miracle, all of our neighbors have boys the same age as our boys. only God! our kids go outside and play in the cul-de-sac most of the day. oh, and we live across the street from the community pool. guess we will be spending most of our time?

as you can see there is more than enough space in our house for visitors. we are just waiting to entertain you and enjoy your company. please come stay with us when you come through town. we have prayed for God to use us and our house to be a blessing to others and to bring glory to His name. some people have asked if this is our dream house. well we weren't even looking for a dream house. we were looking for a house big enough for us in a community were we can serve. we wanted to be good stewards with our finances while still providing a safe place where our boys could grow. we know we will be here for at least the next 10 years. thank you for your many prayers for us throughout this entire house process. God heard and answered with awesomeness. we are forever grateful. praise and glory to God!

older child adoption || teenager

2011-07-15T21:25:00.000-05:00

at the age of 27 i never would have dreamed that i would have a 13 year old son. i know my family was completely written by God because he allowed me to journal on the exact day that each of my kids were born. when my teenage son was born in a hospital in the southern US i was half way around the world at a boarding school in west africa, a freshman in high school, sitting in geography class with mr. nuss, talking with billy and john about how much i hated that class. that just sounds ridiculous. but it's our story and that makes it totally God!

being an instant mother to a teenager has come with more challenges than i could ever imagine. on one hand he is 13 in physical form but mentally, socially, and emotionally he is much younger. so it's hard to judge when he is having a teenage moment and just needs space or he is having a moment when he needs his mommy. both look the same but require different responses. being in tune with my teenager takes more work than reading my toddler. it also helps that my toddler has attached to me and has learned to trust me to some extent. my teenager and i had a really rough start. it really wasn't until a few months ago that he would finally talk directly to me or have nice things to say to me. there was a time when i assumed that we would never truly have a relationship and he would just live in my house till he graduated. thankfully, God had a different plan and we continue to bond more every day.

i've grieved a lot over my teenager and all that i have missed out in his life. he came to me thinking he knew who he was and didn't need anyone's help. i became (and still sometimes am) the victim of everything that has ever happened to him. but God's grace has been more than sufficient for us both. i've not always given my teenager the grace and mercy he deserves. some days i didn't want to even be in the same room with him. i couldn't stand his behavior and the way he treated me. this is where it is so important to have a loving relationship with your spouse. i think it is because of brian's amazing love for me and fighting for me every day that my boys are learning to love and respect me. i remember one of the first days this summer when we had a really intense moment, my teenager came to see if i was ok and to ask what he could do to help. that was a total 180 degrees from before. it blew my mind. i was so grateful.

adopting kids around those teenage years comes with a lot of baggage and "unteaching". they remember their birth parents and home and everything will always be compared to that. nothing will ever be "home" no matter how bad "home" was or how good the forever family is. only through God's grace and healing will that come. and for teenagers of sibling groups they probably spent most of their life being the "parent" to their siblings. that is a hard role to give up or see others try to fill. for several months after the boys came home i felt like our oldest thought i was an awful parent and did everything wrong. it takes time and lots of love to convey to them that they were doing the best they could and that it was safe to let us parent. they can jump into "survival" mode at a moments notice over the silliest thing. we have a phrase in our house called "in your animal brain". it's when you jump into survival mode and every word or action is based on a life or death situation (even though nothing really happened, no one is being hurt, and nothing is going to happen). it sounds silly but it's real life. they have to come out of that survival mode before any further action can take place, such as having a conversation or something as simple as breathing. some days it is still a big deal for him to be corrected or guided to do anything else. it's all very personal. he has done some things a certain way for so long that he can't imagine their being any other way. at times there is a meltdown and other times he rolls with it.

BUT with all the challenges there have been sweet SWEET moments. it's incredible to have a child who you get to really relate to. my teenager has the gift of service. he knows that is something God gave him and he has always had and that can never be taken away from him. we talk about it all the time. we talk about God's plans for his life and that satan will do everything he can every day to steal, kill, and destroy who God has made him to be. my teenager understands the importance of listening to the voice of Truth over the lies of satani love my teenager and can't imagine my life without him.

older child adoption intro

2011-07-14T20:57:00.001-05:00

one of the most frequent questions i get asked is what it is like to adopt older children. i will make this a series of post to answer a few questions. every adoption is different and my story won't be your story. but i feel a need to speak on behalf of the older children that are so often forgotten or unwanted. let's be honest, the majority of families looking to adopt are looking for that perfect little baby that will make all their dreams come true. unknowingly i was this person before we started our adoption journey but God changed my heart before he told us the time was now. we face this alot when we first started walking the adoption journey. we were only one of 2 couples out of 15 couples that were not adopting due to infertility. i've talked to several couples that want that child that looks like them and will be everything they have ever dreamed of in a child. and that isn't bad. a child's being adopted into a loving family and that is amazing. but what if there is more? what if it is not about making all MY dreams come true? what if i put myself in a situation that requires more of me than i could give on my own?

we were on the infant adoption journey for over a year before we switched to foster-adoption. when we started thinking about adoption we felt God tugging on our heart that adoption wasn't about completing our family or making all our dreams come true. if we were truly following God's lead in our adoption journey then we would go wherever he lead us no matter the result. at that time he lead us to foster adoption. the question that kept running through my head was "why would we continue to wait on an infant waiting list with hundreds of other couples when there are over 100,000 kids in the foster care system just waiting to be adopted?" we were open to whatever God had for us. "multiply there [in the city], and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare” (Jeremiah 29:6-7). never in our wildest dreams would we have imagined him leading us to 4 amazing boys ages 2, 8, 9, and 12 at the time.

yes you can adopt older children through both international adoption and through the foster care system. i have experience with older children through the foster care system so that's what i'll write about. i've been that stereotypical person that assumed that older children in the foster care system meant they did something awful like stole something, went to jail, had a record of some sort, and failed miserably at school. wow, what a fool i was. most kids no matter the age enter the foster care system because of nothing that they did but because of their home situation. this doesn't make them "bad". but they do come broken just like we all do. people will often dismiss foster-adoption because of those kids that "might" be bad and it is too hard. well my question to them would be SO WHAT? does the "might" overpower the God that we serve? so what if they might be bad? so what if it might be hard and require more of you than you think you can give? if your own biological child did something wrong or "bad" would you toss them to the side? the Bible tells us over and over again that our obedience to Go is not based on the results or what other people will think or say of us. we don't adopt so a child will love us and be grateful that we "saved" them. why am i so often looking for life to be easy and comfortable. i'm going to believe God who says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13).

there are a lot of benefits to older child adoption: shorter wait, miss the baby stage and straight into sharing some of the same interests and kids that can already help around the house. however, bonding takes a lot of effort, it's a learn as you go process because every kid is different, they require more "un-teaching" before you can teach, and there can be a some catching up with educational stuff. going from 0 kids to having 3 in school was one of my biggest adjustments. it was hard to jump into a school system and do all the the stuff that is required with school age children (homework, teachers, field trips, fundraisers, sports, to name a few).

well that is it for this post. more to come soon. do not forget, that if you have questions you would like answered, send them my way. God bless!

to follow in obedience

2011-07-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

the past has proven that when we follow in obedience to God's calling, Satan opens the gates of hell in attempts to thwart God's plan. sadly i admit that sometimes satan's plans work. i get scared. i run for the high hills. i've missed several opportunities because i believed the lies of satan more than the truth of my Everlasting God. this summer has been no different. our family has felt God moving us into a new direction for several months now and we believe we are on the cuff of a different season. not saying an easier or better season but just a different season. even the boys are anticipating what God has for us next. daily we are asking the Lord to show us his plans for our family. and daily satan comes back with his answer. in the past week alone our oldest has had immediate hip surgery, we accidentally started a fire in our oven and had to clean and wash most everything in our house due to the fire extinguisher residue, and today little k fell on his head. brian is taking him to the hospital at this exact moment in hopes that it is nothing serious. we would greatly appreciate your prayers.

our family has come to anticipate that satan will try to get our eyes off God and His plan for our family. the word warns us that satan's goal is to steal, kill and destroy. why would we expect anything different? why would we not start each day ready for battle in anticipation of the enemies attacks? some days i act like it's such a surprise to be knocked down. i wonder where God is because i can't seem to stand on my own. but did you catch the end of that the "stand on my own"? that's exactly what God doesn't want. he wants us to stand on HIS strength alone. it is only when we are stripped of our own strength that we can fully rely on his. again, my life statement right now is that i'd trade in a life of comfort and ease any day to live a live clung to the arms of my Savior!

15 min of fame

2011-07-06T12:12:00.000-05:00

back in may i was looking around on the internet to see if there was any way we could get help on expediting our process of moving into a bigger house. just for fun i filled out a few applications for some HGTV and TLC shows. i had no expectations but was having fun. well the next day we got a call from the HGTV show "My First Place" saying they loved our application and would like us to move to the next round of interviews to be on the show. are you kidding me? a chance to share our story! all six of us were excited about sharing who God has created our family to be. a local videographer came out to our house his large camera, big lights, and boom mike for a family interview. that tape was sent to HGTV headquarters in colorado were they pitched our story of a family growing through adoption that is busting at the seems in their current house. i guess everyone loved our story because they asked us if they could share our story.

for the past 6 weeks of so we have done several different film shoots as they document our house buying process. we have seen dozens of houses, and spend countless hours taking retakes and trying not to look at the camera. it's been pretty crazy to have a crew of about 5 people follow you around while you're looking at a possible house. or have a producer feed you lines that seem super cheesy but great for television. our favorite is the fact that we have to be overly excited about things and for those of you who know brian and i know that we don't get super excited about anything so some days are pretty funny. even the boys have had their time on camera and think it's pretty awesome.

what has been most amazing is not the fact that we could be on tv but the people we've been able to share our story with and boast about our God. everyone that we've met from the crew to our contacts in colorado at HGTV headquarters has inquired how in the world we're doing what we are doing. it gives us an opportunity to share that it has nothing to do with us but completely all about how big God is. when we first asked the boys if this show was something they wanted to do they all agreed that God has a plan for our family that is bigger than ourselves and if we get a chance to share it we are going to take it until he closes the door. we don't really get anything out of doing this show for ourselves but giving all glory to God with whom all things are possible.

we have no idea when our show will air. should be airing sometime between september and may on HGTV. will let you know if we get more details. still praying for God to open all the right doors and close all the wrong ones.

blessings

2011-07-04T11:57:00.000-05:00

this post has been stirring in my head for weeks now but the past 2 weeks have been like a whirlwind around our house. we spent a week on vacation up in the mountains and several other unexpected and crazy things happened.

for the past year we have desperately asked God to move in our family. we've sent up some pretty huge requests. for a long time i was in this place feeling like God either just wasn't listening or just didn't want to help us. some situations seemed like life and death at the time. over the past several months God has opened my eyes to see the way he is moving. the life that my family is living is not always pretty, usually it's chaotic, in desperate need for God to get us through the day, an in need of being rescued from the pit of despair multiples times a day. but think about it, wouldn't that be the way that God intended for our lives to be? desperately clinging to him every moment of the day? i mean seriously, i would trade in a life of comfort and security any day to have a life leaving me in need of a Savior. i know if my life were easy i would think i could do it all on my own (which of course i can't) and i wouldn't feel the need to call on Jesus. i've grown more in love with God every day over the past few years as we have been faced with challenge after challenge. i can't help but dig into his word to find answers and know more about this God who i have dangerously surrendered my life to. i'm not perfect and i have so much to learn. brian played me an amazing song the other day by laura story called "blessings". please listen to it and let it soak into your heart. i don't want to look for the earthly rewards but the rewards that are for eternity!

in need of direction || urgent plea for prayer

2011-06-21T13:17:00.000-05:00

for a few months now we have been believing that God was moving us into a new season. we believe God has been opening the doors for us to move into a community and be a part of something more than just the 6 of us. we have been looking at houses for months now. we've found several that we like (2 that we have decided on). it hasn't been easy. there aren't a lot of houses in the area we are looking, the space that we need, and the price that we can afford. we are busting at the seems in our current house. to the point that we are literally on top of each other all the time. it adds to the tension and frustration that is constantly brewing in the house. the summer makes the house even smaller cause 5 of us our home most of the time. we are 30 minutes from anything so going out anywhere is a huge ordeal and has to be an "out for the day" trip. it's exhausting. now, don't hear me say i need an easier life. we aren't looking for ease at all, but we do want to provide better for our boys and i am believing God wants them in a community.

the reason we haven't bought a house yet is because we are still waiting for our tax refund. we filed in the middle of february and we are still waiting. we've been under review since the end of april. our latest letter from the IRS said we will here from them again around july 13. well this is cutting things quite close. we need to move before school starts for 2 reasons. the first is that the boys don't need to move after school starts. they've always moved during school and it makes things even more difficult for them. second, brian will start student teaching come august 10 and we will no longer qualify for our loan if he takes a leave from his job. it will be impossible for him to student teach and work. with our 4 boys he has to be home to help.

we need to have the money in our account to put an offer on a house and once we make an offer we have to close before school starts. God might have a completely different plan but until he tells me otherwise i'm praying that this will all work out before school starts. the boys have been talking about this for months and i will be devastated to see them disappointed. we need to move somewhere that we can start as a family. they have done everything we have asked of them in order for us to move. please pray with us that God will work a miracle. thanks you.

the storms come

2011-06-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

one of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of the wise and foolish builders:

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash."
Matthew 7:24-27

this message came directly after Christ's Sermon on the Mount. He had just given the most detailed instructions of how to live a godly life (yet I still ask him everyday to show me how ton live. maybe if I actually applied everything I read on the pages of what I consider my "instruction manual"). in a jist these verses are telling me that as I go about my life I am to take everything I've just read and build an amazing life ton glorify God. one thing I find most important in this passage is that the storms hit both the foolish and the wise man. it doesn't say "if" but "when". no one excluded from the sorrows and suffering that accompany a life in a fallen world.

earlier today I witnessed several thunderstorms and even got caught in several down pours. no idea why the rain had to come on the one day I had dozens of errands to run. but under no command of my own but under the command of the Almight they came. when I was watching the storms from inside they were beautiful and at times breathtaking. they were powerful, bending over trees and the ground shook when the thunder clapped. it was awesome. I love thunderstorms. but the story was different when I was the one having to run through it, get wet by it, or have to carry my groceries in it. the storm became wet, cold, inconvenient, and slowed down everything I was trying to get done. while driving home the Holy Spirit just opened my eyes wide. I was mesmerized by the thunderstorm and how it compared to the own storms in my life.

when a thunderstorm hits it leaves behind a mark. the stronger the storm the greater effect it can have. it can bring growth, new life, destruction, devastation, and the water of life to the driest of corners. the storms in my life have done the same. a few storms have stripped me to my core leaving me in a state of devastation. but that opened doors to be rebuilt. through some storms i've grown. no storm has ever been wasted. God doesn't waste a single experience. the same power I witness in a thunderstorm is the same power God puts in a storm he passes through in my life. He is the shelter from the storm that brings comfort and rest. my prayer is that as those storms arise I will be like the wise man and build my house on The Rock!

here is a paraphrase I read once of Matthew 7:24-25
"Take this teaching I have just given you and make it a part of your life. Start slow if you must. But build a life on me. I am strong. I am the cornerstone. I will not fail you through rain or flood or wind. I am the only way to enter into the happiness of the Master. I am the only foundation that will not give way. Start with me. Rely on me. Finish with me and enter into the celebration of my glory. Everything you build on me will stand."

growing where it counts

2011-06-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

for some it might seem like we have "cacooned" our boys for way to long. we still don't go out much and they don't have a lot of friends they hang out with. at the beginning we felt it necessary to keep our kids close to home in hopes to build attachment. alot of adoptive families differ on the subject of cacooning. for our family this has proven to beneficial. although some days if seems like we haven't made any progress I know that we have.

our boys didn't call us mom and dad from the beginning. it hasn't been until just recent that our older boys have referred to us as mom dad. that's progress! i didn't realize how much not being called "mom" by my own kids effected me but when i finally started hearing it i realized how much it did. my attachment to them began to grow.

we still face behavior issues daily and some days it is extremely exhausting. often I myself asking God why things aren't more different. why hasn't more progress been made? He then gently reminds me that they are good kids but have a lot of bad habits that are going to take a while to heal and change. they have been severly broken and that healing takes time. there trust in me, as their mom, might take forever. He also reminds me that I am not loving them and parenting them to receive their love and affection in return.

each morning this summer we have a morning routine that consist of breakfast wt 8am followed by 30 min of quit time and practicing our memory verse for the week. this is a time where we encourage them to spend time praying or reading the word. if not doing one o this then reading quietly and respecting those who are choosing to spend time with God. it's easy for me to get frusrated when they don't choose to spend time with God. I can get all self-centered and think "when i was there age I understood what it meant to love Jesus why don't they." just the other day God spoke to me and reminded me that I was blessed to be born into a family that loved Jesus. I had a foundation in Him long before I ever fully understood what that meant. my boys didn't have that same foundation. God had different plans for them. but even still, they are in the word and they are memorizing scripture. even little K can tell you our 2 verses we've already memorized. that blows my mind. last Sunday at church one of the boy's teachers came and told me how much my kid had participated in a discussion they had. they were discussing the Holy Spirit and my child not only understood but was explaining it to others. I was blown away. so even though we may not be seeing huge steps in daily life God is growing them leaps and bounds spiritually. I'll take that kind of growth any day!

100 days of summer

2011-06-10T11:14:00.000-05:00

several people have been asking about our "summer 2011 bucket list". it's been fun trying to do all the different things on the list. here is a list of a few of our ideas:

picnic in the park
library
pool day
eat a watermelon
water balloon fight
make a 4th of july flag
paint rocks
make a homemade sprinkler
enjoy coke floats
make homemade ice cream
go on a picture alphabet hunt through town
$1 movie at the theatre
make homemade slime

these are just to name a few. i did find a fantastic blog that had 100 awesome ideas that we might have to incorporate.

i am His delight

2011-06-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

each day new challenges are always met with old habits. why do we do the same thing over and over again even if it didn't work the first, second, or third time we tried it? sometimes what we are doing isn't even "wrong" or "bad" it just isn't working. God is opening my eyes more and more to his design for my life. his greatest desire for me is not to be the perfect mother, perfect wife, greatest cook, financially savvy, or even to make everyone else happy. his desire for my life is to know him deeply and to worship him with all that he has created me to be. to worship him and adore him I need to know who he is. it's not just about reading his word and trying to figure out how it applies to my life. reading God's work gives me direct access to seeing into the heart of God.

fear can easily creep into my life as i ponder all that that life throws at me. in the middle of that fear i start to focus on what i am capable of and what i can handle in my own strength. i then put God in my little box thinking "how is he going to pull me through this?" fear is my challenge and my old habit is limiting God. God is perfect in power, all-knowing, the masterful creator, the alpha and omega, and most importantly he is love. my heart is filled in knowing who God is and that he still loves me. one of my favorite scriptures currently is:

"The Lord your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will TAKE GREAT DELIGHT IN YOU,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

how sweet it is to know that God delights in me. he woos me to him each day. even as i write this post all fear seems to fade as i rest in knowing that God delights in me. how cool is that? circumstances don't matter when my focus is on God. he's it! he's all that matters. everything else fails in comparison. i know if a few minutes satan will use fear to creep back into my life and i will have to choose to not fall into old habit. my prayer is that God will form a new habit in my life. i want praising God to be my habit.

back to basics

2011-06-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

it's been so long since i've seen you and it feels so good to be back. i've missed my blogging community and having an outlet to share my heart. the site has been under construction for some time but thanks to my amazing brother, ross, the site is starting to look good again. i know there is so much to catch you up on but i'm just going to share what's going on right now. the heart posts will come later.

at my house summer is in full bloom. the boys have been home almost 2 weeks and we filling up every minute. i learned alot from last summer and this summer is already (thankfully) very different. last summer was my first as mother and i had no idea that i needed to plan ahead. well this year i am fully prepared. we have our master calendar on the wall filled with vacations, birthdays, camps, VBS, movie's in the park, pool days, library days and so forth. i get excited every time i look at it. it's colorful :) we also created our "summer 2011 bucket list" filled with 100 things we want to accomplish before the summer is over.

brian is working hard to finish up school. he is in the middle of his last class which ends around the end of june. it's been a long season of him being gone on weekends for class but the end is in sight. i am so very proud of him. he is going to be an amazing teacher. he will student teach in the fall and we are praying a job will open up in the spring for him to teach full-time. please be in prayer about that. i think brian's heart is about to bust because he is so close to being in the classroom. he has already started thinking of science project and such to teach on. pretty exciting stuff.

another big adventure in our house is the process of house hunting. we are actively searching for the right community and house God has for us. we have been looking for months and have found a few we love. currently, we are waiting on our tax refund to complete our down payment so we can make an offer. the waiting is driving me nuts. i'm walking in faith that God will open the doors for us to move before school starts. that window gets smaller every day but God can change any situation.

the boys are getting bigger every day. hard to believe i have 2 middle schoolers and a 4th grader. i feel old (even thought i'm not at all old enough to have kids that age). they continue to grow into awesome young men. it's amazing to look back over the past 15 months and see how far we have come. i'm so thankful! being together 24/7 is the best way to see progress (or not). God is so good and his plans for us never cease to amaze me.

i'm beliving God!

2011-03-11T13:43:00.000-06:00

please forgive me for my long absence. the past 6 weeks have been some much needed time to focus on my family. we are coming up right on a year since the boys have been home and honestly day 360 is just as hard as day 1 or 2 or 15 or 70. i so thought we would be so much farther along than we are and that our boys would be more attached. but the reality is that we aren't. there have been tons of improvements but we still have so far to go. a few weeks ago i heard God whisper to me that a new season was on the horizon for me, my family, my marriage, and just life in general. it was enough of a word that i got and still am so very excited. at the same time i feel like satan screams at me every day "i'm going to make that season so difficult for you to get to that you are going to want to quit!" each day that new season seems so far away but i am leaning on the everlasting love and promise of my Lord and Savior that i will put neosporin on every battle wound, take every hit, and shut down every lie that is tossed my way.

in reading through the old testament in the message bible with k we are on the story of moses. and it is so interesting to me that so many of the stories in the old testament things got worse before they got better. God promised abraham that he would have a son then abraham waited what seemed like forever, endured one of the hardest famines, and who knows what else. God gave joseph a dream prophesying his future then he was sold into slavery, put in jail, and also endured a famine. moses was asked by God to lead the israelites out of egypt then the israelites were treated even worse, beaten, and cast down. BUT THEN GOD!!!! i love that God is always right on time. nothing happens without his ok. he didn't leaven then come back. he was supervising the entire time. i hold onto this truth every moment of the day. i know the things God has promised me and sometimes they seem so far away that i can't even imagine that they are possibly. thank goodness my faith doesn't rest in my mountains but the one who created the mountains. i'm believing God!

this old house

2011-01-25T13:30:00.000-06:00

my biggest heart's desire for 2011 is to move into a house that will allow our family to breathe. we currently live in a 1200 sq foot house with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. i feel like we live on top of each other all the time. doesn't make for fun rainy or snow days (which we have been having to many of). don't get me wrong. i'm extremely grateful for the house we have. we don't pay much for the space that we do have. we live out in the country were we have a huge front and backyard. our boys have been able to play football in the front or go exploring through the woods in the back. when the boys have gotten mad they've been able to go out in the yard and scream and yell and it doesn't bother a soul. i know there is a reason God brought us to the country for this season of our lives. but honestly, few things would give me more joy than moving into our own home, in a neighborhood, close to convenience. we are beginning to feel isolated out here in the country in our small house. i have always wanted a big farm house on tons of land but right now convenience and community are a necessity for our next season of life. i long for our boys to have friends to play with, a street to ride their bikes on, or a driveway to play some basketball. i long to go on walks through our neighborhood, spend time sitting on the front porch watching all the kids play, be able to "run" to the store and be back in less than an hour, or feel like there is someone to call for help in times of emergencies.

God's timing has always been perfect and he has never steered us wrong before. i am believing that he will direct us to the right house in the right place near the right schools and in the right time. i'm also believing it will be sooner rather than later :-)

dancing

2011-01-24T16:34:00.000-06:00

one of my favorite pastimes is dancing with my boys. most specifically with kaleb. we probably dance at least 30 min every day. we will put on a pandora station and just rock with it. it might be some rockin' grits or tobymac. other times it's "the smooth kind" as kaleb likes to call it, with a little michael buble or john mayer. every now and then he will request a little "boom boom clap" which means some disney teeny bopper that my other kids enjoy. but nonetheless we have a blast dancing. kaleb is a great partner. he will say "mom, may i have this dance" then proceed to slow dance. his favorite is dancing cheek to cheek. we saw it in an old movie and he thought it was awesome. he love to twirl me but likes it when i dip him. he's hilarious. zeke loves to cut in and would dance with me as long as i'll let him. josiah and israel are at that age where they are too "cool" to dance with mom. but they all enjoy it when we start our air band and rock out to skillet or grits. it puts a smile on my face to see my boys enjoy music as much as me. of course brian joins in every chance he gets. oh, and lately our new favorite has been the stevie wonder pandora station. love the variety of some old school like the temptations with a little bit of the new. the boys totally dig just about any kind of music.

martin luther king jr day

2011-01-17T11:00:00.000-06:00

for years today has just been another holiday that i got off work. i have always appreciated what dr. king did for so many in our country and how he gave life to a dream. but this year today has a new meaning. without dr. king my family wouldn't be.

there is a book called "my borther martin" that i read with the boys all the time. it's written by dr. king's sister about their childhood together. it is a very special story to us. dr. king was just an ordinary boy with extraordinary dreams. he made himself available for God to use to make a difference. because dr. king believed that God could use him my kids can be my kids and they can have any dream they want.

it's hard to imagine that in the not so distant past our world was so different. my boys don't understand all the difference that have occurred over the years to provide them with equality. they do not see any boundaries to their future. they don't think our family is is strange because we are made up different races. they don't look at someone and only see the colour of their skin. i'm so very grateful to dr. king for allowing God to use him and not giving up. dr. king didn't get to see his dream come to fruition but because he had the dream it was able to happen. i pray every day that my boys will have dreams and walk towards them. i will encourage them every day to believe in themselves and that anything is possible. God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things.

more snow days

2011-01-11T10:19:00.000-06:00

most people love the idea of a snow day. my kids think a snow day is the greatest thing on earth. but for moms a snow day just means everyone is home all day and there is more laundry and dishes to wash. now, i know a lot of mom that love their kids being home all day. but for me, i need my older 3 boys to go to school for the 7-8 hours that they go every day. our house is just to small to be stuck inside all day. but that is another story for another blog.

yesterday we got 3-4 inches of snow. brian was home which made the day so much easier than i know today will be (he's at work today). we had a blast playing in our front yard in the snow. i bet we played out there for 3 hours or so. we had snowball fights, built our biggest snowman, pulled each other around on our super old sled, made snow angels, and sprayed the snow purple with a little water and food coloring. i was surprised how long everyone stayed out there without complaint. even kaleb was having a blast throwing snowballs. i think he carried his spray bottle around all morning and covered the entire yard. he also got a huge kick out of making snow angels. i love when God gives us those fun family moments that makes me think "we really are a family!" after several of us were soaked through we came inside for some much needed hot chocolate while i started our 400 pounds of laundry. we snuggled under blankets on the couch and settled in for some narnia. we figured it was a perfect movie to watch on such a snowy day. in order to get some more energy out without going outside we played some competitive wii fit games. the boys had a lot of fun flapping their wings like a chicken, doing a little downhill skiing, and heading soccer balls without letting the giant stuffed pandas knock you down. it was hilarious. we ended the night with all the guys watching the SEC championship game while i got warm under my electric blanket. it was a fun day.

running it through

2011-01-07T12:27:00.000-06:00

the new year has brought with it both excitement and challenges. we are beyond thrilled to what this new year will bring but thus far it is starting out extremely stressful. the boys have a new principal at school meaning their schedules have changed a little. now, i know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but believe me to our boys it is a big deal. our boys survive off of routine and predictability. to change their school schedules in the middle of the year was not a good idea. it has made our mornings extremely frustrating and stressful. we are just praying through it and knowing God will bring us out the other side. please pray for us. the boys have little patience with each other and with brian and i. they have the attitude that they can do what they want when they want. it is extremely frustrating and i am needing patience to reign down on me so i can pour it out onto my family.

on the other hand brian and i have committed to running a half marathon at the end of april. we have started training and it is kicking our butts. you can follow my running at my blog runbaileysrun. we are running with team called powered by hope to raise money for an amazing school that we pray the boys can get a scholarship to and go to one day. we fully believe God is doing incredible things at the school. please also pray and consider supporting our goal of $2000 to be raised before the marathon. you can check out our fundraising page here: http://www.firstgiving.com/brianandaudrabailey/. i never thought i would enjoy running but i am loving it. i love the time alone. i love pushing myself and building confidence. plus, it is another area of my life that i need to rely fully on the strength of God to get me through. some days it is hard to have any energy to run with 4 boys to raise. but i believe this is another impossible journey God has called us to and he will lead the way.

surrendering to the will of God in 2011

2011-01-02T15:55:00.000-06:00

when i look back over the year 2010 it's hard to comprehend all that happened and the road Goad asked us to walk down. there were times when i never thought we would make it through. but we made it through with more joy in our step and more faith in our hearts. i'm beyond excited to start a new year as a full family of 6. who knows what road we walk this year or what God will ask us to do. we have hopes and dreams of what it might hold but ultimately we are surrendering to the will of God. we know we can walk through the impossible with the grace of our God. we want to surrender to the Lord more radically than we ever have before. we aren't exactly sure what that means but we want to say a huge "YES" to whatever God has in store for us. he continues to provide for every need no matter how small or how big. i would never want it any other way.

do you have plans for 2011? what is God asking you to step out in faith in? whatever you think you can't do, i promise you that with God by your side you can. i never thought i could be a mom to 4 boys instantly, but God gave me strength and i do it every day. you might think you can't afford to do what God is asking you to do. well we are raising a family of 6 on a part time income. our God is that good and that big! nothing is impossible with him. YOU CAN DO IT! whatever it is that he is asking you to do. JUST DO IT! maybe he asking you to foster some kids? maybe he might be calling you to adopt internationally? could he possibly be calling you to sell everything and go serve him in a foreign country? what about giving sacrificially? talk to that person that God has laid on your heart? it can be a thousand different things. but surrender! it's a new year. our life is short. you can live life radically when you think that our time on this earth is only a blink of an eye compared to eternity!

a year in review

2010-12-31T15:55:00.002-06:00

here are some highlights of our 2010.

increased our family by 200%
brian started back to school for his masters in education
audra was a first time stay-at-home mom
our city had a historical flood
enjoyed a water park
learned to swim
our 3 oldest boys ask Jesus in their heart
brian baptized our 3 oldest boys
kaleb was told he no longer needed any speech or occupational therapy
we went to the tobymac concert
boys experienced their first professional baseball game watching the Braves
Israel played a few weeks of football
Israel had a screw placed into his hip
Josiah played basketball
Josiah started as point guard in one of his games
Zeke has learned to read
boys spent their first extended time in a swimming pool and almost have the swimming down
audra and brian registered to run a half marathon in the spring
brian and audra had their first speaking engagement to share their adoption story
israel, josiah, zeke, and kaleb became officially a part of our family
the boys all spent a week with grandparents over the summer
we all experienced our first white christmas
we all fell in love with each other
God guided our every step

christmas has come and gone

2010-12-29T12:17:00.002-06:00

if you were to walk into our house right now you would never know the craziness and excitement that resided here only 4 days ago. the tree has been removed, decorations put away, toy tucked into their new homes, and there is no longer the smell of pine in the air. but oh, what a blast we had. this has been an amazing holiday season.

this christmas season was full of so many firsts not only for us as parents but the boys too. we all experienced our first white christmas. grandparents took us all to see an ice show and get to see a beautiful hotel. the boys got to watch the dancing fountain. josiah came to me in the middle and said "this is the best part of my life so far today!" it was awesome to watch them experience these new thrills. the boys spent an entire afternoon scouring the house to find presents they could wrap up for each other and extended family. we made almost every present we gave to family. we made cookies, homemade decorations, christmas letters, and brian and i were able to share with the boys what the true meaning of christmas was. it was crazy that they didn't even know songs like "silent night", "the first noel" or "away in a manger" (which is now k's favorite song). it was beautiful, perfectly imperfect, and my heart will be full of memories from our first christmas together.

our house is now filled to the brim with basketballs, kitchen pieces, hot wheels, legos, books, and pictures. as a first time parent at christmas it is fun for me to have all these toys in my house. k and i could play with his new kitchen for hours. and the boys have already spent the past several days glued to the new basketball goal in the driveway. i'm already anticipating next christmas and doing it all over again. here's a late merry christmas to you!

day 273 - introducing...

2010-12-14T16:19:00.000-06:00

39 weeks and 5 days ago we brought 4 fantastic boys into our home to begin the process of fostering them to adopt them. it has been a laboring process. in God's perfect timing, almost 9 months later, and exactly one year since we were first even introduced to the idea of our fantastic 4, it is finished! the boys are officially our boys. their birth certificates have mine and brian's names as the legal parents. we have full guardianship and this couldn't be more timely. what an amazing christmas gift from our Savior. for the past 9 months we have been extremely discrete with information we share about the boys, especially pictures. well now, without further delay i would like to introduce you to our fantastic 4!

israel - means "God contended" because just as jacob in the bible wrestled with God, our israel has wrestled with life and has begged God for peace. God blessed Jacob with not only a new name but a promise to always protect his people and call them his own. we gave israel this name so every time he heard it or read about it he would know the promises God has for him. God will make him into a mighty nation and will use him to lead.

josiah - means "healed by God" because our josiah has needed more healing than we could ever know. in the bible josiah was a young king. he ruled the way he thought best until he was read the bible then saw the errors of his way and encouraged his kingdom to repent and begin to follow God. we believe this and declare this over our josiah every day. we know God will use him even from a young age. God will speak boldly to him and use him to change a nation for the good.

ezekiel - means "God strengthens" because our zeke relies on the strength of our God daily to trust and love the way he does. ezekiel in the bible was a prophet that God made extremely stubborn. God sent ezekiel to an even more stubborn nation that were set in their bad ways. but because ezekiel was so stubborn and passionate about the Lord he opened their eyes and the nation repented. our zeke is extremely stubborn and we believe God will use his passion to lead others to Christ no matter what it takes. he will go the distance.

kaleb - means "bold" because our kaleb is already more than anyone ever thought he would be. in the bible, caleb was one of the 12 spies who was sent to go check out the promise land. he was 1 of 2 spies who trusted God and believed they should take the land. he trusted God no matter the circumstances. this is a promise God has given us for our kaleb. kaleb will be bold in his faith and will search for his own mountains to overcome with the strength of God. he will not allow circumstances to hinder or excuse but trust in God for all strength.

and here are a few more pics of our past 9 months!

day 272 - snow day

2010-12-13T12:46:00.002-06:00

december in tennessee is usually a very rainy and cold month. in the 9 years i've been here i don't ever remember it snowing in december. well between yesterday and last night we got almost 4 inches! SNOW DAY! the 3 older boys spend a good amount of time outside this morning playing in the snow till their feet were frozen. brian, little k, and myself all have colds and are staying warm inside. we are now all curled up under blankets and watching movies. about to add some hot chocolate to the mix. the boys are so excited at the thought of a possible white christmas.

day 269 - running

2010-12-10T12:40:00.000-06:00

running has become one of my new favorite things. i didn't think i would enjoy it or even be able to do it. but i downloaded the couch to 5k app on my itouch and amazingly enough i am really enjoying it. i try to run 3 times a week. i am liking running outside rather than the treadmill but sometimes the treadmill is the best thing since it is freezing outside. i love the fact that for 30 minutes it is just me and road. no one is hanging on me, asking me for things, i'm not breaking up fights, fixing food, or wiping snotty noses. at the beginning i thought i would spend my time thinking of all the things i should be doing or need to do when i get done. but i don't. i actually spend the time just pushing myself and being so proud of myself for actually accomplishing something. i know that during those 30 min i can accomplish every goal i set before my self. run for 3 min. walk up that hill as fast as possible. run again for 3 min. it's amazing. i feel great. i'm thankful that God laid this on my heart. brian and i are signing up for the half marathon that will be held the end of april. yay!

5 years ago today...

2010-12-09T12:08:00.000-06:00

the morning started early. i was so excited that by the end of the day i would be the wife to the man i so deeply love. i don't remember eating breakfast but around 10am brian and i met to set up the video cameras and have some good prayer time together. in the mean time all of our family was decorating. we got married in a small church on a friday night in the middle of no where. it was perfect. we didn't do much to decorate. we had white poinsettias all along the back of the stage. the church already had red carpet everywhere and they were all decorated for christmas.

i remember starting to get ready after lunch. i had my hair done and then spent some time with my maid of honors getting ready. we had pictures at 3pm. we didn't have the greatest photographer. that is the one thing i would have done differently. but we had a blast taking all these goofy pictures. now, we did it the old fashion way and brian and i did not take our pictures together until after the ceremony. after we finished taking pictures we still had over an hour till show time. being the bride, i got free run of the church while brian had to stay up in his little room. i visited with several friends that came from out of town while i waited.

the next thing i know it was 7pm. time to get the party started. i was so excited i couldn't sit still. oh, and let me add that this was the coldest night of the year and i was a barefoot bride. i had to run around outside to get to the front of the church. it was very cold. but when everything got started all i could think about was brian. i "patiently" waited as the jim brickman christmas music played while everyone walked down the aisle. then the doors closed...the bagpipes started and amazing grace rang throughout the chapel. i thought my smile would jump off my face i could barely stand it. my dad and i walked down the aisle and there brian stood as dashing as every. i thought i would cry but i was overjoyed. i couldn't get to my groom fast enough. as excited as i was to have a wedding i was more excited to spend the rest of my life with the man that had captured my heart. i don't remember anything that anyone said. i know my brother, sister, and mom sang and our dear friend married us. but i was so focused on brian that he was all i could think about. i remember saying "i do" and when jason said "you may kiss the bride!". i didn't want to let him go. we were husband and wife. bound together forever and ever.

brian, i am thankful for the man God made you to be. i love you inside and out. i love that God had a plan long before we were born that would bring us together. i'm thankful to your obedience to God to spend the rest of your life with me. every day with you is an adventure. i was overjoyed to be your wife 5 years ago and i am even more overjoyed to be your wife today. i love you!

day 265 - the holidays

2010-12-06T14:49:00.002-06:00

oh, the holidays are here again. it's been crazy around my house. a both good and bad crazy. however, it's been fun starting some family traditions. we found an awesome tree farm where we were able to cut down our own christmas tree. it was a first for everyone and this is the first christmas the boys have had a live tree. it still surprises me sometimes when they mention stuff they've never done before. the other day we were riding in the van and i was singing "away in a manger" and they had never heard that song before. the same with "the first noel", "silent night", and "hark the herald angel sings". so we have a lot of catching up to do. but we are making memories like crazy. trying to capture everything with pictures but it is hard to keep up.

last night we decorated our tree with the ornaments. we had the tree up for a week before we were able to decorate it because we were never all home at the same time at a decent hour. i thought i would get so particular about putting up the ornaments but the boys did awesome. even little k had a blast finding the perfect spot for his ornaments. one thing i really want to do for next year is find them a "baby's first christmas" ornament from the year they were born. one of those awesome old school hallmark ones. i think i found a site that has all the past years. they are just too expensive for me to buy all at once this year. but i think that is something that will be really special for them to have for years to come. i always enjoyed putting up "my" ornament every year as a child.

day 263 - tobymac

2010-12-04T15:05:00.000-06:00

a few days ago we had the amazing opportunity to take the 3 older boys to their very first concert. good ole tobymac, skillet, and shonlock were the performers. over the past 9 months since the boys have become a part of our family they have come to LOVE tobymac. they know every song and jam out in the car like you wouldn't believe. the entire concert thing happened very last minute and we kept it a surprise from the boys until we were in the arena. oh my gosh! they were jumping out of their skin when we handed them their tickets. and the coolest part was a friend got us a meet-in-greet with toby. we got to take our picture with him and he signed all the boy's tickets. the boys were totally awestruck. it was awesome.

when we first started talking about possibly going to the concert i was really nervous. i don't like taking my kids to walmart let alone a crazy concert were it would be loud and crowded. i was even more nervous when i found out we were down in from in the pit. which is standing room only. but God totally took care of everything. the boys were incredible. the night couldn't have gone better. it was the most amazing family experience. the boys could touch the catwalk and would go crazy when the singers walked and stopped right in front of them. the joy on their faces was priceless. we stood for over 4 hours and they never complained. i thought they would wander all over the place but they were totally focused on the stage. they jammed out. danced. sang. and enjoyed every moment. i think they were a little concerned about how much i jammed out though. while i was at the concert i just kept thinking "i'm so excited to be such a young mom who doesn't yet look so ridiculous jumping up and down and jammin' out" but i'm sure my kids would say otherwise. i totally think we might have to do this again next year. i'll try to plan a little further in advance thought.

day 243 - it does get better

2010-11-14T14:52:00.002-06:00

it's hard to believe my fantastic 4 have been in my home for 8 months. sometimes it seems like we've had them for years and other times it feels like they just arrived. we've walked through some crazy stuff but i'm thankful to say we have come out the other side of a lot of it. this blog has been very therapeutic for me as i look back on our journey and see what God has held our hand through. and that is the beauty of our story. God really has walked us through some serious battles. he has claimed the victory every time. sometimes those battles take hours, others days, and some even weeks. i'm sure there are some battles we will be fighting for years. but nonetheless, God will reign victorious.

for many months our battles where very physical. there have been days not so far in our past were our house was a dangerous place to be. but Christ has delivered us through that danger. at times i questioned whether all 4 of my boys could actually live together and thrive in their future. so thankful God had a plan and he guided (and still guides) us each day. through past posts you know that i've wanted to give up several times. once again God moved my heart and reminded me to keep my eyes on him. and we continue to walk through it day after day.

battles are still fought every day some are small and some rock our world. but it has gotten so much better. i know without a doubt our family will not only survive but we will thrive together.

day 238 - running

2010-11-09T20:43:00.003-06:00

for the past few weeks now i have had this huge desire to run some sort of marathon. not that big 26.2 mile one but something. i have this need for a goal that i can meet. something outside of what i do every day.

this past weekend i was at a women's retreat with ladies from church and it was refreshing and wonderful. but one thing i felt like God kept whispering to me was that i needed to run. i felt like it was something he was giving me that i could wrap my hands and brain around. it is simple unlike that chaos that currently consumes my life. it is an opportunity for me to spend alone time with my amazing creator. it is also a reminder that my relationship with Christ takes discipline and perseverance. it needs to go deeper and i need to run with endurance.

i've made my goal a half marathon at the end of april. i ran my first mile yesterday and plan to run 4x a week. my hope is by putting this on my blog i can hold myself accountable. my amazing husband has agreed to train with me and there is a possibility of a friend joining in as well. i'm pumped and ready for this fun/ridiculous challenge. i've never done anything like this before and have never put my body through something quite like this before. praying that God will get the glory and i will gain a deeper understanding of who he is and who he has created me to be. 26 weeks to go.

day 233 - praying

2010-11-04T13:40:00.002-05:00

our petition has been filed with the court to finalize the adoption of our fantastic 4. we are asking everyone to please pray that our court date is very soon. ideally it needs to be next week. if not then it is very important that it happen before the end of the year. we stand firm knowing our Father has a plan. here are a few other big prayer requests we have:

that we may find favor in the eyes of the judge who will have our case
for our amazing attorney that is representing us and fighting to make these boys ours
that God would give us continued strength to fight Satan as we see on a daily basis that he will go to the extreme to make sure this doesn't happen

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

5 years ago today...part 4

2010-10-31T23:32:00.000-05:00

5 years ago today brian and i were living in atlanta falling more in love with each other every day. we had come to call atlanta home only 2 months before when we evacuated there for hurricane katrina. little did we know that we would not be going back to our homes in new orleans. it was devastating and totally God's plan at the same time. we leaned on each other and trusted God with our future.

on this day we decided to get away from the stress of life and chaos that consumed us and took a drive through the mountains. i still can see the incredible beauty if i close my eyes. i can smell the mountain air. i can still picture riding in the car watching brian as he drove over the winding roads. we took hundreds of pictures of the colourful leaves and the majestic scene that encompassed us. we eventually ended up on the top of a mountain at an abandoned campsite. this particular spot was breath taking. and of course, as we had been doing the entire trip, brian brought out his camera and took several cheesy pictures of us. we then proceeded to dive in to a bible study together. i was so thankful to fall in love with someone who loves Christ and wants to go deeper with him along with me. after the conclusion of our study brian was telling me how amazing as i was :) then the next thing i know he says "audra, would you be my wife?" and pulls out a ring! ahhhh! i still don't remember exactly what i said "yes", "of course" or just "uh huh". either way i was officially marrying this man. it was as magical and perfect as i ever imagined it to be. i had know idea and all hopes at the same time. i knew without a shadow of doubt that this was the man i would spend my forever with.

brian, you changed my world the day you walked into it. you changed it again the day you asked to not to just walk into my world but create a world with me. our life has been chaotic and adventurous from the beginning. we've been at the bottom and we've been here, there, and everywhere together. thank you for shouting your love from the mountaintops. thank you for the past 5 years that get more amazing every day. i love you. always and forever.

day 226 - feelings vocabulary

2010-10-28T21:25:00.003-05:00

our boys (and sometimes myself) like to use the same feeling words over and over again. so if you ask one of us what we are feeling we'll probably tell you sad, mad, happy, or good. it has become important to our family to expound on our feelings vocabulary. our boys didn't come knowing a lot of feeling words and it is up to us to teach them. by teaching them a larger vocabulary for the way they feel they might be able to understand what they are truly feeling instead of always being mad, sad, happy or just good. sometimes we sit around the table and will say "everyone give me a different word for good". it's fun to see the words they know and the words they know but have no idea that is what they mean. other applicable ideas that have been suggested is the "bucket of feelings". it's where you put all these feeling words into a bucket and every day you pull one out and talk about it.

tonight we incorporated a new game of feeling charades. we put all our feeling words into a hat and when it is your turn, draw a feeling. you must then act out the feeling with facial expressions or actions but NO WORDS! it actually went really well. the boys had fun, learned some new words and got to see what brian and i's face means when we have that "look". we only got through a few words but here are some examples: crushed, thrilled, unhappy, frustrated, absent-minded, and annoyed. if you are looking for a list of words just google "feeling words".

day 224

2010-10-26T12:51:00.003-05:00

it's been forever since i've written and honestly it felt nice to take a little break. i haven't really been in a place to write anything positive lately so i felt i better not to write at all. but i am realizing that by not sharing i am giving the enemy a foothold to just stir with my emotions. and the scripture clearly tells us that that when things are brought to the light we can lay it all at the feet of Jesus and he will carry our burdens and give us wings like eagles.

i've been doing an amazing study on the book of Daniel for the past few months and it has been incredible. the miraculous things that happened, the divine wisdom that God poured on his servants, and the prophetic words have stirred my heart. at times it has made me angry because it is so much easier to see God working in other people than your own lives. i would so often sit there and read about all the miraculous things God did for Daniel and wonder why those things couldn't happen for me. i would read about the importance of fellowship and get frustrated because i felt so isolated. these are the lies of the enemy. he is turning what God means for goodness into his plan to take me out. and he doesn't want to just take me out but he wants to take out my family.

we are only a few weeks away from finalizing our adoption at satan has called in all his troops and they have set up camp in our living room. up until yesterday i didn't realize the war i was in. i really thought there was something wrong with me. i have been so easily aggravated by my kids, it feel like i can't do anything right or make anyone happy. i feel like every day is a "bad" day. and in my house if mom has a bad day all hell breaks loose. it's dangerous, destructive, and chaotic. so at times i feel like i can't have a bad day because no one can handle me not being on my game. but God continues to show me that i am not responsible for the way my children act most of the time and that i must continue to love them through the pain. i can't be perfect but i can fight for my kids and family.

unconditional love has taken on an entire new meaning over the past several months. it's not easy to love someone when they turn their back to you all day long, talk ugly to your face and behind your back, hit, kick, and whatever else you can thing of. to feel like you're fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for is exhausting. there are many times i want to just hide under by covers and let everyone fend for themselves. i probably take a time out for myself at least once a day. but i'm finding my encouragement in my Savior. just like he delivered Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego through the fire. i know he will deliver me and my family through this fiery season. even if our deliverance is into his hands. this battle is me advancing the kingdom. begging God to receive all the glory for what i know he will do through my family. it's going to be miraculous. it's going to add another "...but God" to the story of my life. it's going to be beautiful. moment by moment i'm holding on to that promise.

day 194 - gone crazy

2010-09-26T15:51:00.003-05:00

another moment of transparency...

this past week has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. nothing really huge happened. it was just all the little things that started adding up and i let satan get the best to me. i listened to his lies and spent a lot of time in self-pity. honestly, it's pretty easy to do. i felt like i had been trying so hard to be the "perfect" parent that my head exploded. i spend most of my day keeping everyone in the house happy so we can live somewhat of a "normal" life. if i'm not on my game then it feels like the gates of hell open in my house. normal ugly becomes unbearably ugly. sometimes i don't like hearing people say that brian and i parent like we've been doing this for years. believe me, it's not on purpose. i showed myself this week that when i do it on my own everything is a mess. i wasn't nice to my kids or my husband. i drove myself crazy and it all ended up with me hurting my pinkie finger pretty bad. totally not worth the crazy.

after over 6 months of being a family of 6 one would think we would begin to see how God is knitting this family together. this week my blinders have made that very difficult to see. i found myself upset with God because i felt like brian and i had sacrificed everything to raise these boys and at that crazy moment in my crazy head it didn't feel worth it. now i know that sounds awful to say out loud but that is the lie satan was telling me. it is also still so very difficult to still have a struggling connection with all 4 boys. it's draining to love them so unconditionally with absolutely nothing in return. very wearing on a mother's heart. i know this is how God feels about me so much of the time. so very thankful he doesn't give up on me.

so what did i do with my craziness? i stayed in my closet, screamed, yelled, and fell on my face before the Lord. i wanted to get it all out. i told him every lie satan had planted in my head and i laid it all on the altar. i sobbed tears of sadness, relief, and desperation for my Jesus. God granted me the peace that surpasses all understanding. then i went and apologized to my family for being so crazy. i'm sure it will not be the last time i go crazy. thankfully my family knows who i am and love me still. and most thankfully i have a loving Heavenly Father who is in the business of rescuing us in the midst of our craziness.

day 188 - emergencies

2010-09-20T21:49:00.002-05:00

i've never been someone who goes to the doctor for every little cold or scratch. in fact i spent most of my life avoiding doctors at all cost. still to this day i hate needles and need someone's hand to hold and a treat for doing so well. having kids has made my avoidance of the doctor impossible. i feel like someone has to go to the doctor every week for something. and believe me it has to be pretty bad for me to take them to the doctor. nonetheless we have had many trips to the doctor. but one thing i hate even more than the doctor is the HOSPITAL!

a little over a month ago our oldest complained of his hip hurting. of course we (doctor included) thought it was growing pains. well about a week later we found out he needed emergency hip surgery to have a screw placed in his hip because he had a slipped growth plate or something. it all happened so fast i still can't really tell you what happened. but props to Vanderbilt Children's Clinic. there is a reason they are the best. they showed it. brian, myself and Is spent a lovely tuesday up at Vanderbilt. my kid did so awesome even with his fear of needles (like his mom). again, it happened so fast that i didn't really have time to think about my kid having surgery.

this past weekend was another scary moment. little k had been sick for a few days with a fever and just the blahs. however on friday afternoon he started holding his neck really stiff and became extremely irritable. we decided we would watch him and see what happens. we didn't want to freak out or anything :) on saturday we had already made plans to head to my parent's house for the day. we loaded everyone up and made the trip. we were only there about 45min when k just was in obvious pain but couldn't express where. it was really scary. and when k is in pain everyone feels his pain. he throws things, hits, bites, scratches, wants to be held but will claw your eyes out when you do kind of kid. we were all miserable. so brian and i loaded k up and took him to the Vanderbilt Children's ER. we were taken right to the back. after several doctors, nurses, interns, and several others we discovered he had a crick in his neck along with strep throat. no wonder my poor baby was in pain. they loaded him up on tylenol, motrin and penicillin and we finally made it home.

i could brag about Vanderbilt all day long but as much as i like them i hope to not have to see them again. at least for a really long time. i can't handle these medical emergencies. they are too much for me.

homework update

2010-09-14T14:14:00.002-05:00

wanted to update everyone on our homework situation. last week i had a meeting with all the teachers, school psychologist, and school guidance counselor. i explained to them our situation and got their feedback on how the boys were doing in class. we all agreed that the boys struggled so much with self-confidence and fear of failure. it was encouraging to me to hear the teachers talk about how wonderful all the boys were in class and a joy to be around. but they also shared their concerns. i was thankful to know we were all on the same page.

i think the meeting was great for me just to know what i can do as a parent. not having kids in school before and all of sudden being thrown into middle school has been tough on everyone. but i learned that for the most part homework isn't graded. i was encouraged to not let the boys get frustrated over homework and just write a note for them. well as much as i was relieved to hear this it also made me a little mad. if my kid is not getting graded on homework and it doesn't really mean anything WHY WOULD YOU GIVE IT? just seems like a waste of time for everyone involved.

ever since the meeting homework has been fine. i stop them before they get frustrated and don't worry so much about it getting finished or even if it is correct. i still will spend time with them and encourage them in their work. since they don't have time to get frustrated they are actually more confident. now we just have everything to worry about.

day 172 - people at the grocery store

2010-09-09T12:56:00.002-05:00

grocery shopping is one of my favorite things to do. it is normally a huge stress reliever but when taking little K with me i want to pull my hair out. the past few weeks he has been with me on all my shopping endeavors and i notice more and more all the people that come talk to him. and let me say he isn't a pleasant person to take to the store with you. he yells ugly words at the top of his lungs, hits, and pulls everything off the shelf. for some reason some of the people who work at kroger and publix always like to come up and talk to k to "help" me. i'm totally grateful for the help but here are my 3 most recent experiences:

kroger: k was yelling so a lady comes up to him and says "santa clause is just around the corner. you better be good so he can bring you everything you want!" what? are you kidding me? please don't say that stuff to my kid. you don't know me.

15 min later at publix: k was once again pulling things off the shelf and this lady walks up to him and starts tickling him and telling him he should be nice to mommy. well k smacks her hand. i finally saw her and said "he doesn't like people in his personal space. please step away from him." but she continued. of course he smacked her hand again. again, are you kidding me. please have respect!

today at publix: same lady from before came over to "check" on little k and started tickling him. i said "please don't touch my son. he isn't happy today and he is hitting alot." she still didn't care and started talking and tickling him. k smacked her hand. so she goes into this big lecture with k about how hitting is mean and wrong. lady, get a clue! leave my son alone. i appreciate your help but you aren't listening to me! DON'T TOUCH MY KID!!!!

anyone else have any crazy stories of people feeling like they can just treat their kid as their own? ridiculous. this is blowing my mind. i have more experiences that are hilarious but these were my most recent and crazy.

day 171 - homework desk

2010-09-08T10:29:00.004-05:00

over the summer i mentioned that the boys and i were working on a homework station. here are the results of our effort now that pics are all loaded on the computer.

before:

after:

it amazes me what a little paint, fabric and fun can do for a spot. the fabric on the wall is a covered cork board. the 2 things on the side are pieces of wood with a clothes pin attached to display awesome school work or artwork. everyone has one with their name on it. it's fun.

Quick Recommendation

2010-09-08T09:42:00.003-05:00

i don't normally make a lot of recommendations on my blog but there is this awesome website called Pamondon that i have found. they have every kind of book, magazines and merchandise for kids. their prices are the best i have seen and their customer service is impeccable. if you are looking to purchase any of these items for your kids i recommend going through Pamondon. i've added a banner at the bottom of my blog to make it easy access for you.

day 175 - face to face

2010-09-07T13:52:00.003-05:00

over the past 2 months or so i have felt a desperate need to dig into the Word of God. i'm talking about being so desperate that i can't breathe without it. and i've done lots of bible studies and read different commentaries but what i'm talking about is 100% pure scripture. i'm hungry to know what every word means and how every punctuation has a purpose. the scripture is alive and i want to glue it to my heart. i would love to spend hours upon end digging into the word but with a family of 6 that is quite impossible in the literal since. however, i'm finding i can be in a state of worship and stand in the presence of my Lord even in the midst of doing homework, making dinner, or folding laundry.

God has made us alive during a very important time and i don't want to miss it. i don't want to miss opportunities with my kids to teach them about Jesus. i want the name Jesus to be spoken in our home in the good, bad, ugly, sad, wrong, or right times. little k and i pray this prayer multiples times a day and it has become painted on my heart:

Jesus, come. Please help!
Help me me sweet, kind, and loving like You.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for rescuing me.
Your name, Jesus, is power.
Amen!

day 170 - a grieving heart

2010-09-02T23:25:00.002-05:00

have you ever had someone who stuck by you through thick an thin? who loved you no matter what you did? who would forgive you for leaving him all day or choosing everything else over him? someone who goes crazy if you are out of there sight? someone who never judges but is right there to lend a hug? someone who would give his life to protect you? someone who would take all the pain in the world if he felt it would save you from even a fraction of it? someone who's favorite pastime is to curl up on the couch and snuggle? our "someone" is our beloved and amazing dog jackson. i've written a few posts about him previously on here but this one is a little different. jackson has been a part of this family for over 3 years and honestly, he is my baby, my firstborn. we haven't spent more than a few days a part in the 3 years he has lived with us. he sleeps at the foot of our bed every night and usually ends up sharing our pillows. he has become little k's best bud. they share gazillions of adventures in the backyard every day. he brings joy to my heart every day.

i'm sure you are curious why my title was "a grieving heart"? due to extreme circumstances it was no longer in jackson's best interest to live in our home. today he went to live with a new family that will love him unconditionally. he will be their new "baby". i know he will bring them joy they way he brought joy to us.

my heart has grieved for the past week knowing that he would be leaving. i knew he was a part of this family but i never knew exactly how much until it was time to say goodbye. over the past 6 months jackson has endured all the stress that the rest of us have gone through. unfortunately he had become an easy target and took the brunt of a lot of the tension. so we tearfully said our goodbyes. this morning little k, jackson and i spent some awesome time at a local dog park. as soon as we got in the car i cried like a baby. then we dropped him off to be groomed before he left and i cried like a baby again. i even got the groomer to cry when i told him what the day looked like for jackson. it was pitiful. jackson wouldn't leave my side. yesterday he would bark every time i left his sight. he knew. he was grieving. i miss him. even sitting here writing i miss him curling up next to my feet while i type. i miss him running down the hall while i fold the laundry. i miss hearing him snore when he is in a deep sleep. i miss knowing that there was always someone around to protect me. i miss my baby but i'm happy for his new journey to begin.

day 161 - homework

2010-08-24T12:37:00.002-05:00

homework. wow, just saying that word brings tension to my mind and body. i've always had great respect for homework and thought of course kids needed to review what they did in class. a little work never caused harm to anybody. well obviously no one has been to my house. in my house homework does cause harm. it brings chaos, hatred, anger, frustration, destruction, and fear. it's a mad house trying to help 3 kids with homework they don't understand, keep a toddler away so older kids can actually do homework, and make sure dinner is on the table before the night is over. my kids get so frustrated over homework that if their questions are not answered right away (which is impossible) they get upset. and with their high sensitivity to stress homework makes us all want to pull our hair out, myself included in that. they already have a fear of failing and feeling stupid so now they are going to attempt to do more work and have more attempts at failing and feeling stupid. what? why would i do that to my kids?

i'm not sure what to do here because i want to fully support the teachers and be on the same team with them. i don't want my child to be coddled and unchallenged. but i want to do what's best for my kids. even though their grade level might say 3rd, 5th, and 6th, emotionally and mentally they are much lower. doing homework for 5 hours is unhealthy for them. i'm in much need of some help and advice. and no, homeschooling is not an option.

day 159 - respite

2010-08-22T23:36:00.003-05:00

my biggest challenge with 4 kids is finding some alone time. that sounds really funny coming out of my mouth because i really don't like to be alone or rest for that matter but i've learned without it i will burn out. and when i'm burnt out ain't no body happy :)

this summer i was able to find some alone time whether it was just grocery shopping or a night away. a few weeks ago a few friend and i headed off for an overnight trip somewhere special. it was extremely spontaneous and incredibly needed. i admit that i was actually thrilled to get out of my house for 24 hours. it was a total recharge for me and it only took 24 hours. crazy. and even before we started heading back i looked at one of my friends and said "wow, i really miss my family. i'm ready to go home!" it was amazing to have the feeling of missing my kids. no matter how chaotic and crazy every day is i miss them when i'm not with them. i came back totally ready for the challenges ahead.

getting away with friends is incredible but the most incredible get away was with my awesome husband. my birthday was a few weeks ago and he surprised me with an overnight getaway. he had arranged for my parents to come watch the kids overnight so we could spend some time away. it was the first time we had left the kids overnight with anyone. but my parents are more than capable and the boys ADORE their gigi and grandpa. so early afternoon brian and i headed to chattanooga for the night. we stayed in an incredible bed and breakfast (that i highly recommend) and just enjoyed each other's company. we didn't do anything special but breathe really. we needed some time just to look each other in the face and say "hey, i remember you!".

i love my family and i don't want to miss anything. but catching your breath every now and then is important. i'm learning that if i don't take care of myself i'm not going to be able to take care of my family. when people ask if they can help i'm finally saying "yes, here is our need." we were never meant to do this alone. rest is good. alone time is good. time with my husband is needed. so now that it is almost midnight i'm going to get some sleep.

Earn Money While Shopping Online

2010-08-20T10:16:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone. Brian here taking over for a moment. As thrifty consumers Audra and I seek to get everything out of what we do. One more way of doing that is earning money while shopping online. Ebates is a great way to do that; earning up to 26% cash back on your online purchases. Can't beat shopping from the comfort of your own home. So check out the link below and start earning.

http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=4VDrhj3KG%2Fd0EWDNQiRgSg%3D%3D

Thanks for letting me take over for just a bit.

brian

day 153 - transparency

2010-08-16T13:39:00.003-05:00

trans·par·ent - [adjective] open; frank; candid

this word lays heavy on my heart. it's so much easier to write about the amazing things and share all the goodness with you. but i feel that defeats the purpose of this blog. i want to be a resource for others who are looking to adopt or foster whether internationally or domestically. and in order to be a good resource i need to be as transparent as possible. my prayer is that my journey will be an encouragement to you as you walk your own journey.

the past 2 months have been the hardest months of my entire life and i've walked through some pretty crazy stuff before. i cried more, fought harder, pleaded more, and fell on my knees before my heavenly Father more times than i can count. i knew that we would go through some major transition throughout the summer seeing as the boys and i would be home together ALL day long EVERY day but i never would have expected everything that happened. let's just say that almost every day was...a nightmare. please don't let that scare you. this is hard and dangerous stuff. i learned early on in the summer that i was walking in enemy territory when it came to my kids. the devil had a grip on them like i've never seen. there were days that i felt like i was literally fighting satan fist for fist. some days seemed unbearable. there was more anger raging through my house than i new how to fight. the negativity that flew from my children's lips broke my heart every day. there were nights were brian and i sat outside there door begging God to invade our house and our boy's hearts. there were mornings when we woke up saying "i don't want to get out of bed today." it's hard when you have to hold your child so tight so they will not hurt themselves or someone else. it's heart breaking to hear ugly words come out of your toddlers mouth as he storms off to his room hitting everything in his path. i ache when my boys can't be left alone for more than 10 seconds for fear what might happen. it's exhausting. and that's why i need a Savior. if i could do this on my own then i wouldn't need God but i love that our story can't be told with out having God in every sentence.

i was met everyday with what seemed impossible and everyday God made it possible. by his mercy and grace brian and i were able to end everyday thanking God for our family. He met us everyday where we were and walked with us. i started the summer thinking i was doing all of this for my kids. but over the course of the summer God taught me that i am not loving and raising my kids to help them (that is just an added benefit) but out of reverence for God. He has put me in a place that is dangerous, chaotic, ugly, at times unlovely, and what the world would call "unthinkable" but we are here by God's design.

thankfully with school everyone is separated and there is a little more peace in our house. my note to self for next summer is have lots of things planned and give everyone there own "thing" to do throughout the summer. too much time together is NOT a good thing. but we did have some incredible highs over the summer. the best thing being I, J, and Z all asked Christ into their heart. we are now working on teaching them to call on Jesus when satan comes knocking on their doors. the summer was not a loss. it was a learning experience. another hurdle that satan thought he could put in our path to get us to change our minds. he does that. he will tell you that you aren't supposed to do this, this is to hard, the kids would be better off somewhere else, or even that you don't want to do this. THEY ARE LIES!!! God would not have asked you to walk into something so difficult and so of Him to leave you in your time of need. that is not the God we serve. we have authority over satan and the only way he can touch us is if we give him room to move in. DON'T!!!! stay strong. ask for help. let people help you. surrender it all to the Lord!

back in the swing of things

2010-08-12T14:49:00.002-05:00

now that school has started i feel like i can get back to the blogger world. i apologize that i have been absent so much over the summer. the summer ended up being more that we ever thought it could be. i've learned over the past few months that a summer with 4 kids is a lot different than a summer sitting at a desk in a freezing office. needless to say my boys really wore me out this summer. and boy was it HOT! we were averaging over 100 degrees for the past month or so. our summer was not without trials and chaos. in fact that was most of our summer with a few moments of sweet memories. i'm thankful for a little separation from the boys and i'm excited for some time with little K again.

some of the first few things on my list to attack now that i have a little of my time back and my day is not so chaotic:

potty train little K
put the finishing touches on my master bedroom makeover
make lots of homemade bread
reorganize my freezer for all the wonderful things i can't wait to stock it with
catch up on all the blog posts that have been sitting in my head for weeks now

day 149 - first day of school

2010-08-12T08:48:00.004-05:00

i've just dropped off my 6th grader, 5th grader, and 3rd grader at the first day of school. it was more exciting than anything else. everyone had their box of school supplies, backpacks, and lunchboxes. of course the 6th grader quickly sped off to his class so dad or i didn't have to walk him their. he was nervous about remembering his locker combination. our 5th grader didn't want anyone to embarrass him.

i walked our 3rd grader into his room. we chose a desk that was clustered with other friends. being the mom i made sure to get all his desk buddies names and introduced them to my kid. then i walked with Z to find a cubbie for his backpack and lunchbox. his classroom has an underwater theme that i thought was so creative. Z then gave me this look that said "mom, you're embarrassing me so can you please leave?" i took my cue and left. i met brian and little K and we walked proudly out of the school leaving our 3 older kids there to find their adventures for the day. it's our first day of school and i still have butterflies in my tummy.

day 148 - last night of summer

2010-08-11T23:28:00.003-05:00

i've just put the final touches on my first school lunches. 9 slices of ham, 6 slices of bread, 3 slices of cheese, 3 granola bars, 3 puddings and 3 plastic spoons are nestled tightly in brand new bright green and red lunch boxes from REI (thank you tax free weekend)! 3 new sets of clothes are laid out on the couch to ring in the new school year. alarm clocks are all set. boxes of school supplies line my bedroom. backpacks are waiting at the door. secrets notes have been tucked away in special hiding spots. 3 boys are dreaming of the exciting adventure that begins in a few short hours. it's the last night of summer. we made it through. it's the last night of summer. thank you, Jesus, for your mercy and grace that brought us through the summer adventure and now into the adventures of a new school year. their excited and i'm actually excited to do the school mom thing. here goes...

5 years ago today part 3...

2010-07-31T23:01:00.000-05:00

5 years ago today it was my last day in new orleans and almost everyone from camp had left. i needed a few things so the evening started with a simple trip to walmart and brian came along. 7 hours later we finally called it a night after walking and talking about everything under the sun. we spend most of the evening in the french quarter just sitting and telling each other story after story. it was amazing. God had already been wooing my heart towards brian but now i was starting to see him as more than someone i thought was amazing but i was seeing him as the man i knew God had for me to marry.

in weeks prior God had allowed me time with brian to learn about the godly character that he had. he was kind, loving towards others, a servant, a leader, well spoken, a great teacher, and just a genuine man. i had fallen in love with the character of this man and asked God if he would please make my husband have these characters. i literally heard God say to me at one point during the summer "this is what i want to give you in a husband if you will wait for the person i have for you and stop looking". i said a quick YES! on this last night of camp God changed my heart to not just loving the character of brian but the man the future husband he was going to be for me. it was like i looked at him and said "there you are. of course it is you!"

brian, i knew that night and i still know now that you are the man i want to walk beside and cheer on as we allow God to teach us and use us to minister to others. you encourage me and challenge me to be real. you were and still are God's best for me and i love you more that i can say!

day 136 - transition

2010-07-30T22:47:00.000-05:00

one thing i have found about adoptive children is that they struggle deeply with transition. they hate it when plans change last minute or if plans spontaneously appear. i know in general kids struggle with this but adoptive kids extremely struggle with this. unfortunately i have learned this the hard way with our summer. i spent most of the summer "playing it by ear" and it didn't serve me well. now, we did make it through the summer but it wasn't without its fits and battles. i'm thankful that it is almost over. but i'm not a person who likes structure. i never get up at the same time or eat at the same time every day. i've spent most of my life trying NOT to get stuck into a routine but with 4 kids i'm finding that i will drown without one. i'm not saying every minute has to be planned but some structure is really good. i would probably loose about 50% of my questions throughout the day if i just had a list up of everything that was going on or needed to be done that day ahead of time. even something as simple as creating a weekly menu for the kids to see.

my kids don't understand when plans change. they hear one thing and anything after that doesn't matter. for example: if i said we have 1 hour to play at mcdonald's but you have to not scream, hit, or get in the way of other children. you must also listen and obey immediately or we will have to leave. well 10 min later all hell breaks loose and i'm telling my kids we got to go and they start pouting and throwing fits. in my mind i don't understand why they can be upset. but in their mind they heard we were going to be there for 1 hour and they think i lied to them.

transition is tough. and honestly it is starting to rub off on me too. i've got to go work on my calendar so i can put on our board what is coming tomorrow.

day 131 - the reason

2010-07-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

today was the day that God reminded me why we have chosen to live a dangerously surrendered life. the reason we are called to go and make disciples. today i got to watch my amazing husband, the new father of the fantastic 4 and godly man baptize my 3 oldest boys. the boys had all asked Jesus in the hearts weeks before and were ready to make that public. they were so excited about being baptized and the celebration that surrounded it. we invited everyone we knew to come and watch, rejoice, and praise God for the work he continues to do.

it was a celebration i will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life. family came from all over to witness this public declare that our boys fight for the Living Savior! friends yelled and cheered as each boy came out of the water. i cried tears of joy watching my boys and knowing their lives were surrendered to the King of Kings. no matter what evil comes knocking at my door, our door, or their door we can call on Jesus and he will rescue. this is why we are doing this. God chose to rescue our fantastic 4 out of the dust and make them into warriors for himself. and he asked brian and i to be a part of it. why would we ever want to miss out on something like that? this is so much bigger than us. i'm so thankful that God goes to the extreme to save his children.

as the service concluded the song i sing over my boys every night began to play:

you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of the dust
you make beautiful things
you make beautiful things out of us

you make me new
you are making me new

5 years ago today...part 2

2010-07-15T13:28:00.007-05:00

5 years ago today i spent the day entire day making about 500 name tags and laminating them. and too much surprise brian sat in the room and helped me the whole time. it was my first time to have some real conversation with him. i felt like a school girl asking the popular senior all these crazy questions. i felt so important that he took the time to help me and listen to my rambling thoughts. at the time i had no idea that God was beginning to awaken my heart for brian. at the end of the day i knew i just had met the most amazing person in my entire life. he answered the thousand questions i asked. trusted me with his answers. he was genuinely interested in who i was as a person and the road God was leading me on. we shared our hearts for kids and a desire to serve God no matter where that led. he moved me in a way that i never knew was possible. brian gave me a desire to grow closer to God. i can't even describe it. again, i know now it was God drawing our hearts together but at the time i was just excited for the amazing friend i had just made.

after the day was over i ran to one of my friends and couldn't stop smiling and sharing about my incredible day with my new crush. yes, i felt like the little sister who had the biggest crush on her older brother's best friend. the one that would always be out of reach. i knew brian probably only saw me as this young kid but i just thought he had hung the moon.

i'm so thankful that 5 years later we continue to share our hopes and dreams. brian continues to move me every day. he continues to challenge me to go deeper with Christ. we continue to follow wherever God leads. i am thankful that God opened my heart and drew me to the man who hung my moon. here is a song that has really been "our" song lately:

day 120 - victories

2010-07-14T23:22:00.002-05:00

over the past 2 weeks i have started several posts but end up deleting them because i couldn't think of anything positive to say. so i just decided to say nothing. but i know God has called us to community and i wouldn't be where i am right now without it. these past few weeks have been extremely rough. we have been at war with the enemy in every real sense of the word. yes, we have 4 kids in our house. but we are learning that we have 4 kids and then we have 4 traumatized kids on top of that. each one is so different and has to be handled in such a unique way. there is no formula, book, or plan on how to make any of this work. even the best therapists don't always have the answers. but i am more grateful right now that ever before that we can call on our Father who is MIGHTY TO SAVE! God's hands have been at work. at times it can seem like he isn't answering the prayer i am praying but he is answering it in a different way that is even more powerful that i could have ever imagined. i know many of you have been praying for my family these past few weeks. many of you have even shared with me that God has laid our family on your hearts. that is no accident. the past few days i have felt like Moses when he could no longer keep his arms up to win the battle and his friends had to stand on both sides of him to keep his arms up so the battle would be won. this is what community is about! don't miss it! it's as important as the air we breathe. God works through community.

God's timing is incredible. i still stand in awe at how God continues to build are community for such a time as this. i love that in those really hard battles i can send a text message to dozens of friends and know people are praying us through the battles. this past week one of my sweet friends sent me a message and told me to listen to a song called "invade" by watermark. let's just say i downloaded the song immediately and it has been on repeat in my house for the past 3 days! i tried to find it on youtube but couldn't so i'm just going to share with you the lyrics. pray this over your own house and please pray it over mine. God claimed the victory in my house today! and i know he will claim it again tomorrow!

Come, come in
Invade all You see of us
Any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here
And You're the only one

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out
With Your mercy...
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade...

Reach, reach in
With the hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of You
Bring Your spirit through
As we fill these walls with Your praise

I call for angels
I call for mercy
I call for freedom
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus

day 105 - not a band-aid

2010-06-29T13:06:00.002-05:00

i stand in amazement every day that this is the journey God has called us on. i have seen the works of the devil and the works of my Almighty Merciful Savior each and every day. i'm experiencing his new mercies and grace every morning. i'm learning that i cannot get through a day without putting on the armor of God. i'm learning to persevere for the long-haul.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

there is nothing easy or grand about the road we are walking. honestly, some days i just want to stay in bed. the negativity around my house is often more than i can bare. some days i see great progress and the next day we are back to square one. some moments can be so sweet and then quickly turn to nightmares.

after a really rough past few days i was reminded by a friend yesterday that we are not in this to be just a band-aid on these boy's lives. i don't want immediate progress if it means suffering later. i want to run the race that is before me with joy and perseverance. i want God to change the hearts of my children not just their attitudes or words. and i have to remind myself, it's only been a few months. a few months compared to the rest of their lives is nothing.

i want to be like caleb in the Bible and ask God for my mountain. i want to have the courage he had to persevere and bring glory to the Lord most high. i don't want to be someone who "lacks anything". my prayer is turning into "Lord, give me more of this if it means more of You!"

day 103 - the concert

2010-06-27T22:20:00.002-05:00

tonight 2 of my boys experienced their first concert. it was incredible. the venue wasn't too big so there wasn't a bad seat in the house but it was packed to the max. we arrived early in hopes of getting a good seat. they got to stand in line out in the hot sun. fight the crowd for a seat. and even wait in great anticipation for what lied behind the curtain.

finally...the drums began. I got so excited he could barely contain himself. he was mad that the music started but the curtain was still closed and he couldn't watch the drummer bang on that drum set (he is an aspiring drummer himself). E was just waiting to hear his favorite song.

the band was a worship band but the experience was totally God. the music took me to a place that rocked my soul and i felt like i was standing in a room dancing with my Savior. it was like coldplay doing a worship album. and the rad girl in the band played a keytar which put a smile on my face.

it melted to my heart to see my boys rock their heads with the beat and sing a long to the songs they knew. they witnessed the Holy Spirit moving. it was totally awesome. what a moment to hold in my heart. can't wait to do it again with them.

day 100 - our favorite things

2010-06-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

here is our top 100 things we love doing as a family:

1. serving our community as a family

2. going to church and worshiping as a family

3. swimming at the pool

4. playing the wii together

5. snuggling up to watch a great movie

6. great conversations around the dinner table

7. hearing all the little noises around the house bright and early in the morning

8. dance parties to some tobymac

9. eating great food together

10. discovering the zoo together

11. having help when it comes to folding the clothes

12. making new friends

13. playing with friends

14. help with clipping coupons

15. teaching each other how to swim (the boys)

16. jamming out to music in the car

17. mowing the lawn

18. cooking dinner

19. playing outside

20. finger painting

21. coming up with new art projects

22. going new places

23. making pb&j's with more pb that bread

24. eating granola bars like they are going out of style

25. drinking chocolate milk

26. skyping with family across the globe

27. spending time reading as a family

28. family devotions

29. answering questions the boys have about God and the Bible

30. playing mario brothers and getting smashed by my kids

31. visit family

32. going to krispy kreme

33. playing games on the ipod

34. folding loads and loads of laundry :)

35. playing board games

36. earning marbles for good behavior

37. spending our money on special things

38. teaching my kids to be good stewards of their money

39. eat reese's and vanilla ice cream

40. making homemade smoothies and milkshakes

41. eating at chick-fil-a and moes!

42. playing wii resort especially the jet skiing

43. taking pictures of all these smiling faces

44. watching "so you think you can dance"

45. making comments about all the great dancers on SYTYCD

46. attempting to dance as good as the dancers on SYTYCD

47. being robots

48. reading our Bibles together

49. bedtime routines

50. family nights playing wii or board games

51. celebrating birthdays as a family

52. talking with grandparents on the phone

53. being the first one to answer the phone when dad calls

54. playing monopoly

55. spending the night with grandparents

56. helping each other

57. cleaning the house as a team

58. watching our favorite movie "meet the robinsons"

59. having conversations about how great our new family is

60. walking jackson

61. giving jackson a bath

62. deciding who stinks the worst: jackson or the boys

63. trying to make the house not smell like BOYS

64. watching the boys play sports

65. being the loudest and biggest cheering section at the football games

66. speaking truth over our family

67. claiming the promises God has for us

68. sharing God with my kids

69. having them turn their hearts to God

70. knowing 2 of my kids are fighting for God's side now!

71. learning how to fight Satan in a new and real way

72. the reality of the spiritual battles for our kid's souls

73. seeing God receive the victory over every battle

74. cooking for a large family

75. going shopping at walmart

76. making a big breakfast

77. watching the "swagger wagon" youtube video

78. going to happy hour at sonic

79. driving around look at possible and dream houses

80. going to the recycle bin and emptying everything in 1 min

81. trying to locate all our "G" rated movies

82. paying way too much to do anything

83. singing to "disney sing it" on the wii

84. singing every word to every song of taylor swift

85. listening to the boys sing all the songs to high school musical

86. bear hugs at least 100 times a day

87. hearing "secret mama?" then getting a big "I LOVE YOU"

88. watching the world cup

89. teaching the boys to play piano

90. hearing "mama's here" when i come out to breakfast

91. teaching new songs

92. hearing "will you sing to us" every night

93. finding new and fun things to do

94. discovering the world through new eyes

95. knowing this is the rest of our lives

96. watching the boys play with each other

97. hearing the boys ask "can we pray for..."

98. enjoying just sitting next to each other

99. holding hands why we pray

100. hearing "I LOVE YOU" being yelled down the hall

day 99 - summer rewards

2010-06-23T14:09:00.004-05:00

it's hard to believe the boys have been home for 99 days. it has been everything i could have ever imagined and so much more. the summer has been the hardest part so far. i'm usually home with all 4 boys most of the day and it gets hard being in our small house 24 hours a day. at the beginning of the summer we instituted a "summer rewards" program. now, at first i really struggled with this because i don't think it's a good idea to reward kids for good behavior when they should be good anyways. well i realized that my situation is different. my kids are still learning what "good" behavior is and i need to help encourage them to make those good decisions. so we are just doing this for the summer.

i did lots of research on summer rewards and found the marble game was the best for us. i went to michael's and got 3 bags of marbles for about $1 a piece. each one a different color. i actually got our boy's colors: orange, blue, and green. this way they can't steal each others without someone knowing. each boy can earn up to 5 marbles a day. they earn marbles by doing something out-of-the-way good. for example helping clean without being asked, playing with little K while i cook dinner, reading with each other, and picking up the sticks and rocks in the yard. those are only a few examples.

sometimes the boys earn all 5 marbles and sometimes they don't earn any. marbles that have already been earned in previous days cannot be taken away but until the day is over the 5 marbles can be removed.

marbles can then be redeemed for various prizes. we didn't do any material prizes but more fun things to do. some of our boys spend their marbles every chance they get. but our oldest is saving up his marbles for one of the big prizes. here is a list of our prizes:

5 years ago today...part 1

2010-06-17T23:02:00.000-05:00

5 years ago today brian and i met for the first time (that we can recall). it wasn't this moment that i will remember for the rest of my life. in fact i was wondering why this "old" guy was working at camp. yes, we met at a camp. it was my second year to work there and his first. he was over all the summer staff (which included me). i'm sure i didn't make any impression on him either. here is a snippet of what i wrote in my journal that day:

"my prayer is that i will be a servant this summer. that God will allow me to serve Him in all that i do. that my attitude is positive and that i spend as much time with him as i can. i pray that God continues to direct my life and show me where he wants me. i pray that he will open up a job opportunity somewhere. i pray that i learn more about who God is and the woman that he wants me to be. i pray that he continues to prepare me to be in love and to one day be a wife and mother. i pray that perhaps it will be time for God to bring my future husband into the picture."

this year brian and i will celebrate our 5 year anniversary. over the next few months i want to share the amazing journey God has brought us on over those years. when i stepped on that campus 5 years ago i never would have dreamed that 5 years later i would have fallen in love with the most incredible man, that he would fall just as deeply in love with me and that we would already have 4 beautiful children. so thankful that God is the author of our lives and he surprises us every day. "i love you, Brian! i'm so blessed to celebrate these years with you."

day 90 - the pool

2010-06-14T16:25:00.001-05:00

the pool has become our favorite summer past time! we would all love to spend all day every day at the pool but that doesn't always happen. there is always somewhere else to be or something to do. but at least 2-3 times a week we go for pretty much the entire day. we started going a few weeks ago and the boys were pretty afraid of trying anything in the water other than standing there. none of them no how to swim and they weren't comfortable even trying. they stayed would get tense every time they got in the water and wondered why they kept sinking. i've been trying to teach them that even if a really awesome swimmer were to get tense and panic they would drown. swimming is all about being relaxed and breathing right in the water.

well after about 2 weeks of just playing in the shallow end they have started trusting themselves and myself enough to begin to learn how to swim. they were incredible! they kept saying "watch this!" or "can you teach me a new move so i can practice?". they would even watch little K so i could take one of them to the deeper side and show them how to kick or stay under the water. it was fun. and little K is pretty fearless in the water now too. he puts his arm bands on and gets all the way to where his mouth touches the water. he is starting to lay farther and farther back so he can float. he almost fell asleep in the water once.

i love watching my kids swim and hanging with them at the pool. if i wasn't so exhausting we would do it far more. but being in the sun for 6 hours makes me worth nothing when i get home. so i'm trying to find a balance of keeping my kids happy and keeping my energy up.

who says you have to skimp on the good stuff?

2010-06-11T23:49:00.006-05:00

going from just 2 people to 6 people has been a huge adjustment for our budget. and i probably get more questions about how we keep food in our house with 4 growing boys over any other question. and honestly the only real answer is God. as much fun as i have with all my bargain shopping i humbly come before God asking him to guide me and lead me so that i may serve my family and be a good steward of what he has given us. when you surrender your budget to the Lord he somehow provides more than you could ever imagine. and he doesn't skimp either. people always ask "if you buy store brand it is SOOOO much cheaper." and i agree that store brand is cheaper than regular price for a name brand. but when i have a coupon, it's BOGO and i get money back (making it practically free) why would i NOT buy it. here is a few random pics of what my food storage looks like (this is at the end of our week before i grocery shop on monday).

this is my little pantry i got for mother's day. it doesn't really hold much but it is great for canned goods and a few everyday foods.

i try to keep only food that is currently open and we eat on a regular basis in our cabinets (we only have 2 cabinets with food because we are so low on storage space in our kitchen).
the space above my cabinets is my storage. i keep my stockpile up here. you can see i have tons of cake mixes, ketchup, mac & cheese, juice, pasta and a few other things. most everything on this shelf i either got for free or less that $1 a piece. it's nice to know i always have something on hand. you can also see that most of the stuff on the shelf is name brand stuff.
one of my favorite steal-of-a-deal is shampoo and body wash. now, i know there are a lot of really cheap shampoos and soaps out there but they all stink or don't do a very good job. so i love that i can get my favorite $8 bottle of shampoo or body wash for about $.25 each. this is my small section of toiletries (10 bottles of body wash, 4 bottles shampoo, 12 sticks of deodorant, 2 bottles of dish soap, and the new lysol hand soap thingie). this has all been accumulated in the past month since after the flood we were able to give all our stocked up toiletries to people who needed them. everything on this shelf was less that $.50 each.
one awesome surprise we got this week was my parents dropping of a stack of groceries. my mom hit up a food lion going out of business and everything was 60% off. way to go mom! here is what she got for us!

i've added a few buttons on the side of blogs that i use to help me keep my food/toiletries budget under control. if you have any questions please feel free to comment or email. i'm more than happy to share more specifics of how i can save so much!